


Carry On

by bonbonpich



Series: At the End of the Day [3]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst and Humor, Attempt at Humor, Attempted Murder, Love/Hate, M/M, Slow Burn, kurokura
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-03-27 14:39:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 39,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19014946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonbonpich/pseuds/bonbonpich
Summary: KuroKura. Sequel to 'The Sun also Shines at Night' and 'Atlantic' Kurapika doubted if the path he'd chosen to go with Kuroro was a right one. With the ghost of his past haunting him, and Kuroro's advances, Kurapika was driven to the edge of losing himself.





	1. Not a So Typical Day

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to get all 7 chapters (first 5 were written years ago, got them edited now) done for this story and post all of them in one go but the last chapter is taking forever, might end up having 8 chapters even. So I guess I might as well start posting, and get the last chapter done by then.

_x_

There was no turning back, no undoing the decision he'd made, the path he'd chosen in the moment.

_x_

Time sure flew by for Kurapika. His situation improved every new day, or so it seemed.

Weeks back, Kurapika managed to contact Nostrad and reclaimed his active role as Nostrad Family boss. Returning to the Mafia took little time, given Nostrad was already waiting for his return every single day. But coming up with reasons to convince Kuroro and how he must deliver to him in ‘meeting half ways’ manner took quite an effort.

While he carried out that profession, he had a chance to be away from Kuroro. On the other hand, Kuroro no longer kept him monitored 24/7. Still, Kuroro let him go on the terms that he must allocate the time for Nostrad less than him. Said less was much less…being 20/80.

Sometimes Kurapika couldn’t help thinking which side of them seemed more immature, his employer or the Spider leader. The former’s glory was reduced to zero, leaving him needy (otherwise Kurapika wouldn’t be able to pull off that 20/80 time allocation). The latter…he wouldn’t say the man was clin-…maybe he was better off not thinking about it.   

When he made it to Kuroro’s designated place, Franklin and Hisoka acknowledge his presence, the rest of the Spiders did not. But that was just the way most of them were, even among themselves. They wouldn't waste a breathe unless they had something to say. At the moment, things were no longer more than he could handle. Even Nobunaga now seemed to do a lot less than sending a daggered-glare at him.

After all, with Kuroro's urging, Kurapika had led them to where Uvogin died. The proper burial and the fact that Kurapika bothered to bury his enemy somehow settled Nobunaga to the extent. In turn, it almost gave Kurapika a closure to his own guilt trip.

He sat himself down on one of the cart box, the farthest he could manage from the other Spiders. At this point, it took him little effort to tune them out, especially with the presence of only half of the Spiders.

They were still worried about their leader. Their plan was to stick together until the rest of the Spiders came back and they could see what their opinions were.  _“You made Danchou changed his mind about ending you, who knows what else you are capable of”_  was what Nobunaga bluntly said.

As for the reason that Hisoka still stuck around, Kurapika mused his fight with Kuroro hadn't been satisfying. The hungry look on his face was still there whenever he set his eyes on Kuroro. But Kurapika never knew, nor did he care as Kuroro told him nothing.

Though he'd been regaining his clan's eyes at a rate he'd never been able to achieve alone, Kurapika couldn’t shake the restless feelings off of him. Worst of all, he was swaying off the track. Five years ago, he swore in front of the Kuruta graves about avenging them.  

But now, all he did was squandering away his time with the Spiders.

A soft knock thudded against his head, bringing him back from his shady thoughts. He looked up, already knowing who it was. Kuroro had a habit of putting a book on his head whenever he was consumed by gloomy contemplations.

"The book that you wanted," Kuroro said, smiling with delight like everytime he did when Kurapika returned to him and earned himself the usual glare. “So how did it go?” 

"Is it stolen?" asked Kurapika, ignoring the latter question. There was nothing new worth noting anyway.

"Bought."

"Bought with the money from where?"

The conversation ended when Kuroro shoved the book in the boy's lap and sat right next to him, leaving the boy to ' _hey!'_   him, whether for the book drop or for having half of the occupied seat stolen.

There came an audible sigh from Nobunaga. "Same old phrase."

"Just because Danchou knows if it's stolen, Kurapika won't touch it," Machi commented with an indifferent shrug.

"The last time he knew it was stolen, he'd tried to return it to the owner," Franklin recalled, a hint of amusement etched on his face.

"What a troublesome kid," the swordsman crossed his arms over his chest as he observed the Kuruta and his leader across the hallway. "And Danchou…really bought a book for him!?"

"It's from the stolen money anyways," Franklin responded.

Nobunaga clasped his own face, brows knitting. "But still, why does Danchou have to please him?"

They fell into the same silence Coltopi constantly exuded; the kid never contributed himself in anything unless he had to.

"Hah hah hah."

And someone just loved to contribute himself in the strangest way.

Machi, Nobunaga, and Franklin glanced across the hall, where Hisoka sat on the far end on the stacks of boxes. He always liked to sit in a place that gave him the bird's-eye view. Lowering his head enough to peek through one gap of the Pyramid cards, he riddled, "You just don't get it, do you?"

When his comrades made a face, he took it as a request to elaborate. Beaming, he craned his neck to look at Kurapika and Kuroro who were engaged in reading, either not totally aware or just not caring they were being talked about. Hisoka shifted his eyes back to his comrades and was about to spread his hands fully to the sides. "It's lur-" His move accidentally brushed one of the cards, and like Domino effects, the whole stack crumbled down.

There was a quiet moment where Hisoka left his saying incomplete and stared at his ruined creation. Soon after, he went back to rebuild it as if he'd never left its attention.

"Does the maniac know something that we don't?" asked Nobunaga airily.

Too bad for him, among them, he was the only one oblivious to what had been transpiring.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

In the following week, the missing Spiders, Shalnark, Phinx, Feitan, Shizuku and Bonorenof, arrived after their businesses at NGL was done with. Kuroro talked them in, regarding Kurapika, very much the same way he did with half of the Spiders.

Not long after, came a typical day, one in which Kurapika overheard the bloody conversation between the Spiders.

It all started with a simple, "So I ripped his guts open and let him die in the heat of the sun." It was Phinx and Feitan, filling in their comrades of their showdown in NGL.

It pulled at Kurapika's nerves.

"Phinx, Feitan, what did I say about your  _mundane_ conversation when Kurapika is around?" Kuroro inserted before anyone could say or do anything.

Surprised, Kurapika waited.

"Avoid our talks about killing when the kid is around." Phinx answered with a light frown, scratching the back of his head. "But I didn't know that he was there!"

It was true. Kurapika had a tendency to hide himself in the shadow, whereas Spider members outright said whatever were on their minds. Then Kuroro felt his back burned from a heated glare. He glanced back at Kurapika. "Yes?"

"Not talking about it in front of me doesn't change the fact that the Spiders still kill people. Ruthlessly," Kurapika directed at him.

Shalnark had to step in, "Come on, Kurapika. The guys they were talking about. They weren't even human. They were killing our people, turning them into their monster slaves. The committee requested our help, it was our job." Shalnark explained but faltered when Kurapika spared him a scowl.

Between him and Shalnark there was an issue. Kurapika once had a light impression that Shalnark was the most amiable and sincere person among the Spiders. Turned out the guy lied in his face about the Mafia hiring the Spiders to assault the Kurutas. But then again, Kuroro's comrades would do anything to protect their leader.

On top of that, he understood perfectly that half of the Spiders had left, solely for the purpose of saving their people, one way or another. And they returned, even though Kuroro didn't require them for anything, just so they could see their leader safe and sound again. The situation had changed little from back then when Kuroro had returned to them, in an imperfect situation, caused by Kurapika's nen that remained rooted.

"Well, I guess we'll lay low for a while, until the job comes…or something." Phinx whistled, lying back against the cart box he was occupying.

' _A…job?'_ Echoed Kurapika as his eyes shifted between Phinx and Shalnark. "A job? You called that a job?"

"Well…isn't it obvious? What we do for a living is our job." Nobunaga brows knitted, wondering what the boy was getting at this time.

"Why don't you guys-" Kurapika began in a low voice, head canting downward with hair (slightly longer now) obscuring his face.

"Kurapika," called Kuroro as he got up from where he was sitting. With a few long strides, he was by the boy's side, gripping one hand on his shoulder. Just when Kurapika snapped his head up, revealing eyes almost red, and finished what he'd meant to say.

"-get a DECENT job!?"

His shout, or rather the content of his words, sent the room into silence.

"A…decent….job?" Shizuku trailed off, her big eyes wondering. She turned to Franklin, as usual. "What does he mean by that?"

"A decent job…" Franklin's thick eyebrow furrowed, "…as in a decent job?"

Someone burst out laughing.

It was Phinx. But he was just a starter. Soon, Hisoka and Feitan followed with chuckles. Then Shalnark and Franklin tagged along. Among them, Nobunaga's laughter was the loudest, too loud for Kurapika to even to think what the heck was so funny.

Phinx's eyes rolled at no one in particular while he laughed his guts off. He ended up with Shalnark in his vision. He poked a finger, "I picture you being a technician! The world today needs your skills!"

Said technician laughed back, "You could probably be an Egypt historian." His eyes then strayed to Shizuku. "Shizuku would make a good housekeeper with her Deme-chan for sure, don't you think?"

The bookworm girl jabbed a finger at herself. "If I'm a housekeeper, then," she pointed to Franklin, "He could be a Hollywood actor in Frankenstein."

"And Machi could sit and sew clothes, or she could even be a sergeant!" Nobunaga chimed in. He disregarded her glower that followed.

Kurapika fumed.  _This was not a laughing matter! These people had no sense of moral standards or whatsoever!_ Then he sensed the worst of it all from the man beside him.

Kuroro's chuckle was audible than any other time. In fact, it was becoming more like a whole-hearted laughter. Even half of his comrades, wore a surprised look at their leader's reaction. It took a while for Kuroro to smooth back into his usual self. He said to Kurapika, "I'd probably like to go for being a librarian," which didn't help Kurapika at all.

"Kuroro!" He grabbed the man's lapel.

Raising both hands up for an act of surrender, Kuroro smiled, "Relax, kid. It's not like I'm really serious about that."

Shalnark observed on that and asked, particularly addressing Machi and Franklin, "I see Danchou still teases Kurapika. Have they been like this since we left?"

"Always," Machi said as Franklin nodded. “But Danchou’s got a front seat of being the VIP audience to Kurapika’s ethical lecture. So it’s a give and take, I guess?”

Shalnark ‘pffted’ at how Machi had put it. It wasn’t everyday she made such comment. He turned to watch as Kurapika went into another silence, most likely calm before the storm for the most of them. It proved him right a beat after. 

"You're their leader! You're supposed to be responsible! You-"

"For your information, Shal, this will go on forever. I suggest you go get lunch or something, it's almost twelve," Nobunaga said as he pushed himself up and headed towards the door. Most of the Spiders walked away as well from the scene to do something else instead of watching the Kuruta bicker.

It was a typical day. One of which Kurapika was getting all riled up at the Spiders, particularly at one Spider. Soon he’d get a hand clamped over his mouth by said Spider himself.

What Kurapika hadn't expected, had never expected was to be maneuvered closer to Kuroro. Kuroro’s one hand held the back of Kurapika’s nape, the other clamping his jaws. 

Kurapika’s rant was cut short by Kuroro's lips hovered above his, almost brushing. “Please shut up before I shut you up myself.”

The room lapsed into silence once again. This time, it seemed that no one was going to burst out laughing. Instead a whistle sounded, it was still Phinx who took the liberty of doing so as he said, "Finally Danchou discovered an effective way to shut the kid up."

The day hadn't been so typical after all.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

_To be continued_


	2. Approaching Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroro takes a step further.  
> Kurapika has a nightmare.

It should be about ten degree or so, but the weather sure felt like it was below zero in Melb Urban. The shabby construction that the twelve people were in failed to serve as a decent shelter. Well, for one of them in particular.

Sure they were expecting some cold but not (the feeling of) minus zero, blame it on the inadequate weather forecast. The Spiders had gathered up in the living room with the only working fireplace there.

Kuroro blinked as he brought himself into the connected room where Kurapika cocooned under the mountain of thin useless blankets, unable to sleep. He took notice of how the boy curled onto himself but reacted otherwise when he stepped in.

He himself had no trouble with the cold so the basic human necessities never really occur to him. Kurapika, while he was a few exception of norms, was still much closer to human being than Kuroro.

"Still can't sleep, I see," Kuroro stated as he closed the door and meandered over to the boy’s bed. He waited, expected the boy to say something, but Kurapika kept himself shut. A week back, Kurapika had been able to sleep in front of Kuroro, so that issue was ruled out. The only thing that kept him from sleeping now was - "Too cold to sleep?"

"I'm fine.  _Please_  shut up so I can sleep," the boy grunted.

"Probably you haven't noticed. But you're trembling like a little kitten out in the cold-"

"Shut up!"

"You're grumpy."

"Why wouldn't I be!?" Kurapika bolted up, glaring at Kuroro across from the dimly lit room.

For a moment, Kuroro was sure he saw a flash of red flitted across the Kuruta's eyes. They hadn't turned red at this sort of petty thing being said for a lot lately, this time however it did.

He well knew that it had to do with what he did to Kurapika in the late morning.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

X

Kurapika did not only push him back, his fist missed Kuroro’s face by a millimeter. The gesture had zero effect on Kuroro, he had a vague idea it was coming. He knew it was out of reflex as he took in the expression on the boy's bewildered face. He always did. It took Kurapika seconds to regain his senses. His wide eyes turned the slightest bit of red, yet pale in comparison to his face. They stared at Kuroro in disbelief and strayed to the other occupants in the room. He must have heard them leave (which was good) but not all of them had left (which was bad).

His instinct was correct. Shalnark, Phinx, and Hisoka were there, with different kinds of funny smiles on their faces. Kuroro reckoned the kid could have burst to death from shame should all the Ryodan were still there. Three people were already bad enough for him.

Lost of what to do and for the heck that just happened, Kurapika fled the scene, leaving Kuroro to stare after him with an amused smile plastered on his face.

"You're not going to follow him?" Shalnark asked an uncanny question. When his leader cut him a look, he rubbed the back of his neck, "Well, I know little about this thing, but according to the…er…book, shouldn't it be that way?"

Kuroro closed his eyes with a half smirked and half smiled. "I'm sure he'd need some time alone."

Gone for the rest of the day, Kurapika had only come back when the sky started to turn dark. At least he was still mindful that the weather in Melb Urban would roll crazy after sundown.

At the foot of the door, Kuroro waited. When he was about to open his mouth to say something, Kurapika hissed, "Not. A. Word.”

Kurapika went on like nothing ever happened.

X

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

And he had been cranky since then.

What he had done one-sidedly, or almost done it, for that matter, it seemed that Kurapika wanted to let it go but Kuroro wanted it otherwise. Kurapika wasn't someone who could forget about his past, it wouldn't bring him here if he did. Kuroro preferred him being that way.  _Then why not now?_

The boy dug himself under the blankets again to escape his searching eyes.

Five minutes later found Kurapika still struggling to fall asleep. Kuroro had been staying right at the spot in front of Kurapika’s bed. Under that cover, had the boy known his rooted to the spot presence, he indicated nothing. Kuroro laid a hand on the top layer of those blankets. “It’s too cold for you, isn’t it?”

No answer…but the shivering under the blankets spoke volume.

“Just so you know, they won’t mind if you’d like to spend the night in their room-”

“No.”

“…You’ve been spending nights with me for months. What’s the difference with other Spiders?”

Kuroro could hear the boy’s breath hitched.  _Well, that came out on a whim._ He waited, suddenly feeling curious to know the answer to that whimsical question.

There was no answer, as he’d half expected. Heaving a small sigh, he lifted the blanket with an audible. “Incoming.” He slipped himself under the blanket next to Kurapika as if it were the most natural thing to do on earth.

He gave a short laugh when the boy turned at him. His questioning look transformed into full panic mode as he backed away and hit the wall. Flabbergasted, Kurapika was rendered mute while Kuroro adjusted himself on the bed that wasn't his own. After what seemed like a painstaking mental effort to prevent his soul from leaving his body due to cardiac arrest, Kurapika managed to speak, "What the hell…do you think you're doing?" His face looked ready to kill  _someone_ …in particular.

Shifting his gaze to a stiffed Kuruta, Kuroro said in his casual tone, "I’m acting as a human heater." The man laid one arm on Kurapika's pillow and another pointing to the little empty space where the boy had occupied earlier, "Come here."

"Very funny, Kuroro," the boy said in a not very funny tone.

"If it's too small, I'll drag my bed over-"

"That's not it! What the  _heck_  are you thinking!?"

The Spider leader blinked; genuinely taken aback, or so it seemed. "I'm thinking that it's too cold for you to sleep, you should  _come_  here." No sooner than he finished his line, he hoisted himself up enough to reach and pull the boy down into his arms. Kuroro swore he heard the faintest sound of the chains rattling. By now, he was more than accustomed to it whenever it would appear, he'd know. But the actual chain wasn't conjured. He searched the boy's face, and there was nothing.

Nothing. Kurapika's face was completely blank.

 _Was that the impending doom he saw coming?_  Kuroro said no more. At a time like this, he felt no more like joking, given that his thoughts took on a serious turn once the boy stilled in his arms.

As for Kurapika, too shock to utter a word. However, his mind did register one thing: warmth. That would make him look at the man in different light since he always perceived Kuroro to be cold, mentally and physically. His hands were cold for the fact. Many times he even thought that Kuroro was not technically human. But now it was different. A minute earlier the cold was almost unbearable, but now Kuroro was providing him with the only one source of warmth.

_Something so human…_

It had been 5 years since he'd last been hold by someone. Having forgotten how it felt and suddenly feeling it again was too overwhelming…too comforting.

Still, this was the Spider he was talking about…

When the boy started to fret, Kuroro's arms tightened onto the smaller form. "Kurapika, you don't want to freeze to death." The boy went still. "I'm not joking; it's too cold for you. Just for today…and maybe, tomorrow night, it could be hot as hell. That's when I'll leave you to yourself because you probably have to strip," Kuroro spoke between chuckles. He ignored the boy's glower and a few minutes after what was said and done, he went to sleep.

' _What…the…heck…'_  Kurapika grumbled inaudibly. Kuroro hadn't changed; he fell asleep so quick like a kid.  _'Now what to do…'_  He had two options, whether to push Kuroro away and risk freezing to death, or sleep with the sworn enemy and live. Such dilemma made him feel stupid and out of place.

The only fact that he still allowed himself to be in this position was because so many things had happened between them.

Although Kurapika never really knew for sure what place he stood for Kuroro. Other than Kuroro had made it clear that he no longer wanted him dead, nor his abilities and whatnot, Kurapika knew nothing else of the man's motives. Claiming he was his property seemed like a half-valid thing. Kurapika himself held onto one and the only reason for his stay: to regain all of his clan's eyes, and to prevent his friends from getting hurt.

 _Did Kuroro have to be this way to him?_  He wasn't considered as Spider. Just two people being bound to each other. Kurapika wished he could ignore it, but he couldn't…the fact that Kuroro had been treating him as if he were an exceptional from all else. Once, Kuroro had stated that it was because he was the last Kuruta. Kurapika had no idea the man could wield such a dim-witted reason.  _As if he cared ever since knowing the last Kuruta survivor was hunting him down._

For one thing, Kuroro didn't like putting his motives into words, he couldn't explain his reasons all the time. Yet, from the words that got around his comrades and how Kurapika had seen things happening himself, he had become something  _much_  more than just a mere last Kuruta to Kuroro.

One question at the back of his mind which stood above any other questions in the world resurface… _was he doing the right thing?_

"Sleep, tomorrow we can start looking into Kuruta eyes' whereabouts again." Kuroro mumbled all of the sudden, and went back to sleep.

Kurapika blinked. The man always seemed to know when his thought turned dark, and interrupted, even in his sleep.  _Was he doing that for Kurapika or for himself?_  

Living with the spiders only brought more questions. Questions he couldn't answer.

At last, Kurapika came to a decision that it'd be best just to take a rest. Retrieving his clan's flame-colored eyes had never been easy, he would need strength.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

X

_Blood…_

_Dead Kuruta bodies….with the dark hollow in their empty sockets._

_Spiders…_

The three major elements that made up his nightmare. Everytime, the nightmare led to the same ending: he, alone, as their last hope, swearing vengeance in front of his fellow Kurutas' graves. Aside from that, things were just tidbits and pieces of other recollections, both good and bad, which never had much effect on his foremost nightmare.

This time, it was different.

He was in front of their graves, saying something inaudible to himself. The makeshifts gravestones of the Kurutas' moved, every single one of them. Crawling out of the soil were the bodies. Slowly, they rose up to stand crookedly on the wet soil. After one body, there came another and another. Their body sloshed, their faces littered with dirt and blood and one thing that never changed: their sockets hollowed. All the Kurutas body edged themselves toward Kurapika who remained frozen to the spot.

The feelings hit his five senses. The sight of the death bodies, the foul stench of corpses, the bitterness mixed with the coppery taste of blood in his mouth, the sloshing sounds and disturbing noises, the tension in the air that weighted down upon his shoulders. The very sensation that he was nailed to the spot, unable to move, while all the corpses meandered towards him.

His eyes turned bright red with awful anticipation. Somehow, he  _knew_ …he knew why he had woken the death of this people. They were far from restless, more than they ever did in five years that they had been massacred.

Before Kurapika could scream, he heard the dreadful voices of his people, saying something he'd fear the most…

"…."

X

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

His eyes snapped open from his sleep. For a split second, Kurapika's mind was completely blank. It then slowly processed the cause that he'd broken from his sleep and felt the throbbing pain in his head, feeling disarrayed. But he found some relief in the fact that he didn't bolt awake like he did from time to time.  _Whatever it was; it couldn't have been that bad._

Yet, he was unable to recall what nightmare he'd just had.

"Hey."

Kurapika jerked, eyes only focusing at the moment he heard the voice. The man was there in front of him all along, Kuroro Lucifer. It took him a bit of a time to recall the event of the previous night, so they had slept in the same bed. And here he still was, right in Kuroro's arms.

There was no sign of drowsiness on Kuroro's face, he must have wakened for a while, being an early bird after all.  _So, why was he still in bed, having that kind of look on his face?_ Kurapika mused.

' _Has he been watching me asleep?'_  The thought was more or less creepy to Kurapika, but it was nowhere far from impossible. He felt the warmth rose up his cheeks, whether because of him feeling a bit sick or something else.

"You sleep okay?" Kuroro asked as he shifted closer, than they already were. He stopped when the boy recoiled slightly, although it didn't seem like he was going to flinch away completely or smack Kuroro in the face. It was dawned on Kuroro that the boy didn't detest it, but this was so unforeseen.

So unexpected, to both of them.

And probably, Kurapika might just have been a little scared. His amusement in the form of the usual chuckle was held back, else, it would ruin everything.  _But Kurapika, scared of him?_  Only when he was this way to the boy.

Upon seeing Kurapika's colored-face turned the deeper shades of red, Kuroro pondered over one thing. The day before, Kurapika had been avoiding him after the late morning incident. He wanted to know…since the boy still laid in his arms without the look on his face that spelled hell.  _Would it mean something?_

Kuroro wanted to test the boundary, of which he was allow to cross.

He pressed his lips against the boy's forehead, then shifted to his eyelids. And only when Kurapika didn't seem like he was going to summon his chain jail did Kuroro move to brush his lips against the boy's lightly.

Kurapika didn't know what he was thinking, maybe he wasn't thinking at all. Something inside of him hurts, but at the same time he didn't want to push the man away. He even hoped against hope that it would chase away the uneasy feeling that came out of nowhere from his sleep.

' _Is this-'_

Yet, that voice at the back of his mind called again, and it pulled at something in him to the surface.

 _The nightmare_ …Kurapika failed to recall anything about the nightmare, the only thing he felt now was the awful pain that throbbed in his head, having gone from bad to worst. He clutched his head painfully.

"Hey."

Despite the pain, Kurapika noticed what was written on Kuroro's face, no matter how he'd carefully masked it. Kuroro was worried. Kurapika hated it, when the man had that kind of face for him. He had to force out, "I'm…fine."

Kuroro pushed himself up in a sitting position and checked on the boy, like he always did when the boy showed any kinds of symptom. When he placed his hand on Kurapika's forehead, the boy winced slightly due to Kuroro's cold hand, but it never failed to serve well on his burning forehead.

' _Comforting.'_

One word that described his feelings, and from it…brought along an inner turmoil.

' _WHY DO YOU GIVE IN TO OUR CLAN'S MURDERER?'_

"Hmm? No fever," Kuroro stated and noticed the boy's sudden pallor.

Kurapika's green eyes abruptly turned red as he roughly shoved Kuroro away.

It didn't really come out as a surprise to Kuroro. Kurapika’s mind always turned disoriented whenever he was sick. He had got issues after all.  He said in a calm voice, "What's wrong?"

"Everything," the boy blurted. He remembered now, once he'd allowed himself to feel comfortable with Kuroro's touch, the nightmare returned to him.

' _WHY DO YOU GET ALONG WITH HIM?"_

"You don't have a fever, but you're pale," Kuroro observed, deciding against touching the him. If Kurapika pushed him away, he'd understand. It wasn't the first time, and he doubted if there'd ever be the last time. With that thought in mind, he got himself out of the bed, giving the boy some space. He went over to grab a bottle of water from the cabinet and back to the boy.

Kurapika looked at the bottle of water, offered by his long time enemy, and looked away. He didn't notice his body hunched over, his insides hurt. Of what, he had no idea.

' _DIDN'T YOU SWEAR TO AVENGE FOR US?'_

Now he knew, his vengeful dedication was foiled by how he interacted with Kuroro, or more so, how Kuroro interacted with him. His purpose of existence after the death of his clan was threatened at the root.

His dream, he'd been too used to the vision of his people with empty sockets and hollow in their faces. Less the time, the body without head talked. They were the blood and gore that would haunt him forever unless he avenged for them.

"A nightmare?" Kuroro assumed. Kurapika gave no answer but Kuroro didn't need one. Kurapika’s eyes hadn't turned red for quite a while and since it did all of the sudden again, that must meant something about his past.

All Kuroro did was wait, being patient like he always did. He should have known all too well that the Kurapika had a tendency to lose his head at any moment. Kurapika had to deal with his own emotional circuit overloaded on his own.

"Do you want to be alone?" Kuroro asked knowingly. Everytime he seemed anticipating the answer would be different someday.

Kurapika nodded nonetheless.

_Not this time._

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"That kid, really takes it too hard on himself, it's not like Danchou  _do_  him or something," Said Phinx to his comrades. Beside him was Shalnark, folding his arms over his chest, nodding in agreement. When it came to Kurapika's relationship with Kuroro, the two always held such discussion with interest.

" _Do_  him?" Kuroro who sat on his usual spot, a bit far away but overheard him being talked about, raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

Phinx's eyebrow (or lack thereof) twitched at how his leader's face was so blank (although it was normal), that it looked completely innocuous. He stepped closer to a sitting Kuroro, and stressed his tone, "Danchou, don't tell me you're not thinking of anything when you tried to  _kiss_  him!"

His shout sent Nobunaga to choke on his drink and spat the content of liquid out. It had no effect on the others though, either because they gave no heck, or they'd already had the whole picture. Words had already gotten around an entire Ryodan. Nobunaga needed the longest time to have the information processed. He was speechless, looking at Kuroro's direction vehemently.

"Well," Kuroro said, placing his hand on his lips, brooding. "For one thing, I'm just curious. For a second thing, like Phinx said, I just want to shut him up." He removed his hand, searching his comrade's face, "That was all."

"Oh?" Shalnark wondered, "and curious about what?"

"How he would react?" Kuroro said in a flat tone, as if it was the most mundane thing to say.

“So you were just teasing him?” Phinx asked.

“Yes and no,” said Kuroro with a flat smile. He would give no further clarification.

On the other side of the room, Nobunaga felt the urge to empty of all the contents he had had for lunch. Although, he came close to accepting Kurapika, he still couldn't take this kind of thing.  _They were supposed to be the enemy, not the complete opposite!_ It was going to be a long-lasting disturbance for him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

By 11pm, Kurapika still hadn’t returned after having gone off their abode. The night weather wasn't as bad, thus Kuroro wasn't as much concern. Going out to fetch the Kuruta back wasn't in his mind, he knew that kind of look on the boy's face. He knew better not to interfere with Kurapika's privacy, not when he'd already done enough on that part.

The candles that lit along the dark hallway were now inches away from a total melt down. Amidst the hours of darkness, Kuroro continued to sit and wait, while immersing himself in the contents of the books. A footstep sounded, and Kuroro looked up.

"He hadn't come back?" It was Shalnark.

Kuroro shook his head. "He forgot his cell phone too."

What started to bother him was Kurapika’s leaving their plan of retrieving the eyes behind. When it came to his clan’s eyes, he’d give up anything else. This was too weird, well…weirder than the usual.

When Shalnark continued to look at him in slight concern, Kuroro closed the book and drew himself up with a smile for his comrade. "The candles are almost out, I'll retire now. You should get some rest too, Shal."

Next morning Kuroro found the boy hadn’t return.

"Damn it."


	3. Asking Oneself and Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurapika seeks advice from his friends.  
> Kuroro seeks advice from his comrade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a little reminder this was written somewhere in 2012 and i haven't quite finished Chimera Ants Arc at that time. so the timeline is bit different from canon.

 

" _YOU SWORE TO AVENGE FOR OUR DEATHS, YOU SWORE WITH YOUR OWN LIFE. YET, YOU WENT ALONG WITH THEM, AND YOU GAVE YOURSELF TO HIM. HOW COULD YOU, KURAPIKA?"_

_X_

He bolted awake, right from his restless sleep. As he regained his senses, taking in the green surrounding him. After catching his breathes, he leaned back against the tree trunk he was occupying and sighed.

_'That dream again…no… nightmare.'_

The nightmare was exactly the same as the day prior, but his body's response to it was getting worse. It was awful right at the moment his consciousness kicked him awake. He wiped away a cold sweat trickling down his face and clutched his forehead.

 _'Must have been because this was the second time.'_  Kurapika tried to calm himself by inhaling the fresh, forest air. At least the weather was not too bad. The night before, he did not return to his living quarters.

He sat himself up, curling a bit to keep warm from the chilly air in the morning.

' _What would he be thinking now?'_ Kurapika recalled how the Genei Ryodan leader was always upset whenever he was gone; he knew. Although Kuroro had eradicated most of the people who knew about Kurapika being the last Kuruta of the precious flame-colored eyes, there would always be a leak of information here and there. From time to time, someone would always come after him.

Kurapika had insisted that he didn't need protection, but Kuroro would almost always force him to stay by his side, claiming that they were still bound to each other by Kurapika's nen. But Kurapika couldn't face the Spiders this time. Not with the nightmare fresh in his mind, their words eating at him.

" _Why do you get along with Kuroro Lucifer?"_

All along, Kurapika had doubts, made worse by the new nightmare. Months ago, he'd made a decision to go with Kuroro to put his friends out of the harm's way. He believed he was doing the right thing.

But…it didn't mean that he had to get along with the Spiders... It hadn't meant that he could allow himself to get so close to Kuroro.

' _The only thing I fear most in this life of mine…is this hatred vanishing into nothing,'_ He'd say that himself. Now, he wasn't so sure.  _'Once, nothing could ever stop me from this thirst for revenge. Nothing…except myself?'_

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Danchou." Shalnark greeted once his leader appeared from the stair case and hastened his way down. Kuroro swept his gaze around the compound, regarding his comrades for seconds before asking. “Kurapika?”

“Didn’t see him since morning…last night.”

“I’ll be back later.” Kuroro said as he headed towards the door.

"You want me, or, er…" While continuing to keep in pace with his leader, Shalnark turned to look at the others who were present in the foyer: Phinx, Machi, and Nobunaga. "-us, to help you to look for him?"

"No, I got it," Kuroro replied and he left as swiftly as he showed.

Shalnark looked back at his comrades and shrugged.

"It's normal. Danchou's always like that when the brat is out of this sight," Nobunaga explained with disinterest.

"When it comes to Kurapika, he always take things into his own hands," Machi shared a bit of information.

"Hmm…" Shalnark agreed silently, casting his glance towards the direction where Kuroro had left.

Since he'd left for NGL, Shalnark missed what had happened between Kuroro and Kurapika after the Kuruta was abducted by the Mafia. He had only received a call from his leader days after that Kurapika was still with him, and that he changed his mind not to kill the boy, even when he had a chance in a lifetime to be free of Kurapika's killing nen.

When questioned at that time, his leader didn't elaborate his purpose of keeping Kurapika alive. Shalnark just knew things were bound to change so much more than he or any other fellow Spiders could imagine. Still, from the look of things then, Shalnark was glad that Kuroro was still the same old leader that they looked up to. That part hadn't changed one bit, and would never.

But there had been no major raid plans at all for the last months, save the small stealing and such. That had to be a record of more than half of the Spiders members sticking together without any major plans.

It was highly suspected that their leader was somehow avoiding violence. Once directly addressed, Kuroro reasoned that he was keeping his word on recovering the Kuruta's eyes at the moment, and that there were no raids worthy enough to be executed.

Shalnark began to wonder. With Kurapika around, it wasn't bad (for him at least), but what Genei Ryodan could become was now even more unpredictable.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

' _There he is.'_

Kuroro noted, taking in the sight of the boy from afar. He recalled that the boy liked to take refuge in the woods whenever his mind was troubled. This was the closest one.

Next to the main river, flowed a branch-like streams and sitting beside one of them was the fugitive kid himself. Kurapika’s right hand remained in the running water, as if cleansing it. His green eyes gleamed in soft light reflected from the water by the sun.

The Kuruta looked so peaceful that Kuroro almost considered the thought of leaving the boy alone in his privacy. Although the kid looked a bit worn out, he was safe and sound. That was all Kuroro needed. Well… _almost_.

Moments later, Kurapika brought his hand away from the water stream and rested his chin on his knees, keeping his eyes on the water.

Upon that, Kuroro’s built up concern dissolved. As quiet as he naturally was, he stepped in. He found it strange the boy hadn't been aware until he was close enough; his mind must have got a lot on his mind. Kuroro reached and ran a hand through Kurapika's hair.

The blond head jerked away abruptly.

Retreating his hands, Kuroro’s eyebrows raised slightly at him. The boy had been more or less used to his touch even without seeing him; he would still know it was his presence. The sort of response right now was similar to the kind Kurapika had before his rescue from the mafia. He shoved his offending hands into his coat pocket.

Kurapika said nothing after an initial jumpy look. His eyes studied him the way Kurapika used to look at him those months back. Or the boy could just be looking at his baggy eyes from the lack of sleep. Kuroro never slept that much - three hours for him would suffice- but anything less than that had always left him with said evidence.

 

"You didn't come back yesterday," Kuroro started the obvious, retaining a neutral voice. When the boy gave no answer and merely looked away, he continued, "You were lucky that the weather last night wasn't crazy. But you wouldn't know what tonight would bring." When Kurapika was still unresponsive, Kuroro had enough for words. He reached out with an open palm. "Come on."

The boy's eyes locked onto the offered hand. For the first time in months, they seemed to hold some sort of ill intent. Again, Kuroro realized that those looks were exactly like the ones he remembered seeing when they first met in York Shin.

_Not good, if Kurapika’s behavior relapsed._

"I want to be alone." He finally said, looking away.

Kuroro retracted his hand again. "I don't mind you wanting to be alone, but I told you to come back before sunset and you didn't." Despite his straight face, his words didn't come out as emotionless. After all Kuroro had that slight temper, having suffered from the worry he had developed and he hated it. And in consequence of catching on that tone, Kurapika was provoked.

"And who said that I have to do as you say? I'm not a Spider," Kurapika returned, with an equally sour tone.

"I didn't say that you are one."

"Then stop pestering me."

"Kurapika!"

The kind of authoritative tone caught Kurapika, but it also reminded him of the time he was named as one of them. That kind of tone was used to order him around at the start, when fate brought them together into this circle of blood and madness. He hated it. He gave Kuroro the very same look of response he gave the man before months ago. Though blinded by anger, he didn't miss it the split second that Kuroro's poker face shifted into something else, before it was masked into the blank one right after.

"I just-" Kuroro began, crouching down to the boy's sitting level "-don't need you to get sick." This time, Kuroro reached out again, disregarding the boy's flinch and taking in the boy's face with his palm. "You're still pale. I don't think you're well enough to be out here on your own."

Upon seeing the man's frown with that kind of apprehension, Kurapika was anything but infuriated.

" _WHY HAS YOUR HATRED STARTED TO FADE AWAY?"_

The inner voice surfaced from the back of his mind and Kurapika blurted in echo, "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you have to be-" Kurapika bit his lips, his eyes turning the hue of red. "…kind to me, when-"

It didn't seem like he finished, so Kuroro waited. But whatever the boy had left words unfinished, Kuroro had a bad feeling.

"-you killed my family."

' _Not this…'_

"Why…" This time, Kurapika's voice cracked. His memories, all the good ones, those that were centered around his family, his closest childhood friend and the ones which involved Kuroro Lucifer wavered him. His eyes turned a complete red as he shoved Kuroro's hands away. He snapped, "Those hands that massacred and robbed all the Kuruta clan's eyes! Why do you use them to…protect me…hold me!?"

"Kurapika," the man called as he grabbed the boy's arms to steady him from the outburst.

"Why…" the boy's expression was nothing but a mix of sorrow and pain. It was a stunning moment even to Kuroro. Kurapika had never showed such kind of emotion, not when he was in his right mind. Whatever was in the boy's mentality, it must be eating him alive. "Answer me."

' _He wants answer…again.'_

Kurapika's eyes bore into Kuroro's.

Kuroro had the answer, but he knew his answer would tear things up, probably ruin everything that they had built up so far. However, he'd always been honest with his answer to Kurapika. Just because Kurapika looked as if he was about to cry, wouldn't make it any different, on that answering part. He would tell the truth.

"Because…only you are worth protecting. I don't give a damn about anyone else other than Ryuusegai people and you. I have no regret, massacring the Kurutas, because it led you to me."

As soon as he finished, he received a blow across his cheek. Kuroro merely closed his eyes, spitting away blood. He was expecting it and made no attempt of shunning it.

"We shouldn't have met that day at the Attique. Things shouldn't have turned out this way." Kurapika trailed off, bitter.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Late afternoon, while all the Ryodan members were out, Shalnark came back to the living quarters, wondering if his Danchou managed to grab that kid.

"Danchou?" He called on the sight of the raven-haired man, but in itself was asking what was wrong.

His Danchou was half sitting, half leaning back against the wall, and staring off into blank space. One of his hands pressed against his cheek, absent from Shalnark's line of vision.

"Shal." Kuroro's eyes peered sideways, acknowledging his comrade. His face, stoic as usual.

Shalnark looked about and asked, "Kurapika?"

"He refused to come back," replied Kuroro as his glance returned to the empty space.

Silence took over, as Shalnark weighted his decision whether to press the subject out of his own concern or leave it as that, to his leader's private matter. His contemplation was interrupted as Kuroro decided for him.

"Shal."

"Yes?"

For a long moment, Shalnark waited for Kuroro to speak. As apathetic as he was, Kuroro turned to face Shalnark. He revealed a swollen wound on his left cheek that looked like it had been hit or something.

"Er…Kurapika, I guess?" He assumed, yet not understanding his leader's behavior.

Kuroro nodded while jabbing the side of his cheek, and finally saying: "It hurts."

"Come again?"

Kuroro looked away. "Back at York Shin, when Kurapika captured me, he'd beaten me up like a sack of punching bag. I bled all over, but there wasn't pain. Not as much as I could really feel it-" His dark eyes gazed to the side, where his cheek was, "-not as much as now. I don't know why this time round, it stings so much…and-" his hand shifted from his cheek…to right above his chest. "-here too." He paused, contemplating again. "Perhaps Kurapika's chain is activating again."

Shalnark just stared with his mouth gawked open as thoughts processed in his mind. "Maybe it's not the chain. Maybe it's something else."

"Something else?"

Shalnark cast his eyes down, with his hand on his chin as he speculated for a moment. Then, looked back up at his leader. "Danchou, do you hold remorse for killing the Kuruta clan?"

From a poker face, Kuroro's lips cracked into a stoic, unfeeling smile. "Who are you asking, Shal? I’m incapable of remorse for the people I've killed." Here, his eyes cast to the ceiling. "But…as for Kurapika…I don't feel okay for having caused him pain. However, it's a different story; I hold no remorse for wiping out his clan."

' _Different story? It's possible for Danchou, who have the ability to detach things…everything.'_ "So it is only Kurapika that you are concern about," Shalnark concluded, lifting a finger.

"Exactly. Like I said before, I think of him as my own."

"I see, and that's the problem I think? Kurapika cares about his friends…and family than he does himself. His clan's death had become his personal pain."

Kuroro nodded. "So, I hurt him by killing his people with no remorse whatsoever."

"Hmm…" Shalnark crossed his hands behind him and raised his head to speak his mind. “Still, I don't think he'd made it this far, being with us if he still believes that we are completely evil. He would have attempted to kill us than dragging things out unsettled." Shalnark’s eyes wondered when he realized this fact. “This is so unlike him already, to put things off.”

Kuroro clasped his hands together, resting his chin on it. "Kurapika's main goal is to kill me,  _still_."

"Of course." Shalnark smiled awkwardly, but he made another point. "But main goal or not, he  _doesn't_ attempt to kill you  _now_ , not that I see of anyway. He's changed, and…so have you."

Kuroro's eyes widened. He lifted his gaze to Shalnark, looking slightly stunned.

' _Not noticing, huh? Danchou, you've trained yourself to be such a cold, heartless person to the world, and Kurapika had come along to mess your systems up.'_ To Shalnark, it was something new. His Danchou had always been the same old Danchou but when it came to Kurapika, his leader was like a different person.  _He even asked him for an opinion and advice?_

"I'm sure Kurapika will come back. Just you wait, Danchou." Shalnark nodded to himself, as if to prove he was sure of his point.

Kuroro gave him a half-way smile. "Wait, I shall."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kuroro's name appeared on the lit screen of his cellphone; the device given to him by Kuroro earlier. He was far from the thought of picking the line up. His eyes shifted from the device to the orange-hued sky above him. The night was coming. Fortunately, the weather seemed to be not too bad again. Then Kuroro wouldn't have to worry about him that much. After what he’d done, he expected the man to leave him alone, at least for another day.

He couldn't bring himself to go back just yet. Kuroro's words had worsen things, however honest it had been. Lost in the confusion, he prayed.

" _Our body, showered with the radiance of the sun and the moon. The wind, that blows upon our skin. Please strengthen me…to avenge for the Kuruta clan…giving them an everlasting peace in their souls."_

The prayer failed to help him as it did before. Kurapika was disarrayed by that fact.  _'How far I am from avenging for the Kuruta clan.'_

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The same nightmare kicked him to the rude awakening again. He breathed, trying his damnedest to detach himself from the remnants of the cursing echoed from his nightmare.

The day was spent in the same manner as the one prior. Kurapika was well aware how uncharacteristically it was of him. He was losing it.

_Beep beep._

The phone showed a message from Kuroro:  _'If you're not coming back tonight, I'll come to get you.'_

Kurapika's heart skipped a beat, he felt his eyes turning red. He wasn't ready to face him, not so soon. He could run and hide away in another forest. That’d be laughable despite the circumstances, for spending years after years tracking the Spider down just to run away from him now. But it seemed like Kuroro always find him, no matter what. He felt alarmed, confused, and so lost.

' _What to do?'_

As his eyes stared at the phone, one thought came into his mind, one that would come once in a blue moon.

_He had friends, hadn't he?_

With that thought in mind, he skimmed over his phone address book. He found what he was looking for, but hesitated.

He wouldn't want them involved, not in any way. Kurapika's hands tightened on the cell, clasping the device to his forehead, thinking hard. Hard enough to recall their faces when they said:

' _If anything happens…you have to let us know. You have to…'_

Kurapika sighed and brought the cell to his line of vision again, and finally punched in the call button. He anticipated. As the line was picked up, Kurapika had to break away from the device for how loud it was.

"Kurapika!?" an excited, cheerful voice sounded and in the background, Kurapika could hear another mocking voice, "You're going to blow Kurapika's eardrums someday."

' _They are always together.'_ A smile formed on Kurapika's lips as he responded, "Gon."

"Kurapika! It's been a while! How are you doing!? I'm so happy you called! Killua and I were just talking about you and Leorio! Ah! Hold on, I'll put the speaker for Killua!" Kurapika waited, hearing a clattering and fumbling sounds. Then…

"Hey, Kurapika," It was Killua, sounded as calmed as ever.

"Hey." Kurapika greeted back, still smiling. He couldn't put this particular feeling into words. Gon alone made him feel better, but Gon with Killua always made him smile and even laugh. With Leorio, all of them together, he felt at ease.

It had only been three months since they last parted from him. During the first few weeks, Gon had called in to check on him, and Kuroro happened to be the one who picked up the line. Out of concern for them, Kurapika had requested Killua not to let Gon make a call to him so often. Killua, being the more reasonable of the two, understood, and did his part. Leorio had done the same thing, calling on Kurapika every now and then, but Kurapika just shuts him down easily out of habit.

"Kurapika, we've just come back to my home! How about you? Where are you now!?" Gon asked, hardly containing his excitement when an old friend called.

Kurapika couldn't quite answer to Gon's question.

Killua took the liberty of asking it, "Are you still with Kuroro?" When Kurapika's voice didn't present, the boy added, "I take that as a yes."

"Is he good to you? Did he do something bad to you?" Gon came back on the line again.

"Er…" Kurapika hesitated, the last thing he needed now was his friends worrying over him. But then Gon's question made him think…about Kuroro.

After they parted, how had Kuroro been?

Kuroro had let his guard down, when he almost killed him in the airship. Though, it was because Kuroro himself was sure that he wouldn't kill him, but still. Kuroro watched over him when he broke down in fever, tough claiming that he was only sitting and reading next to his bed. Kuroro stood between his way and the other Ryodans when they were alarmed to see him, still alive and back, explaining that they were still bound to each other.

Day after day, Kuroro had to make sure he was safe and sound.

His hatred for the man was boundless, but Kurapika wasn't blind to see it. There were so many things Kuroro did…for him.

"Kurapika?"

Kurapika thought fast.  _'Among those, were-'_ "He helped me look for the Kurutas' eyes. We've found five pairs so far," he shared that information, and continued to think to himself, _'One time, he even went as far as injuring himself to get it back for me, again claiming that the wounds have no effect on him in any way.'_

"That's great! Seems like he's been treating you well?"

Kurapika's eyes widened at the statement. If what Kuroro had been doing wasn't defined as "well", Kurapika wouldn't know what else to call. The only thing that kept him away from completion of that term was what Kuroro was still doing…his profession.

"Yes," He answered Gon first with a smile, but it couldn't quite reach his eyes now. He was still contradicting himself.

"Kurapika, aside from that. Did something else happens? Like…now?" Killua's voice was doubtful.

Stunned a bit, Kurapika knew how sharp and knowing the former assassin could be sometimes. From the pieces of information that they'd been able to squeeze out of Kurapika and what Kuroro had said to them when they talked via cell phone, Killua had presumed things in correct fashion. Surely the boy must have identified how Kuroro treat Kurapika wasn’t one as in the comrade, but a lot  _more_ than that.

"Kurapika, tell us, if something's not going right. You have to let us know," Gon's voice took on a worried tone.

Kurapika's eyes softened, a smile came back to him. "I know."

Small chuckles of delight came from the other end.

Kurapika took his time, while the two boys on the line seemed to be waiting with understanding patience, until Kurapika began, "Gon, Killua, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing."

"You mean, going with the Spiders?"

"Even disregarding having you guys away from Kuroro's threat that I have to go with him. I still…swore my people to avenge them, it's my most important purpose in life. I…"

Gon and Killua didn't need Kurapika to finish it to understand. When Kurapika went quiet, Gon started, "Kurapika. I downright understand the feeling for vengeance-"

Something in Gon's voice was edgy. A Gon that Kurapika knew was someone who would like to settle the score with someone whom he had unfinished business with. But revenge? Gon? Still, he wouldn't know, he wasn’t there with them.

"-But I also learned that revenge doesn't do any good. It won't bring back what we've lost. I know you've heard of this more than enough, so I wouldn't say much, except that…you have to be true to your feelings."

"How?" Kurapika blurted, something he never often did. But he was confused, he was lost - he needed some direction.

"Hmmm." Here, Kurapika could imagine the young boy's face frown while looking up, thinking hard to put it into words. Then it came, "You'll have to ask yourself. And when you do that, don't think about the past nor the future or about anyone else. It may seem self-centered, but it's the way you'll understand what you really want at the moment."

' _Not to think about anyone else? It was a bit unlike Gon that he once knew. Something had changed. Surely something must have happened to him while he was in NGL.'_ But Kurapika felt it wasn’t his place to pry as of yet. As long as Gon had Killua, everything will be fine.

"What I really want?"

"Kurapika," Killua called, "Think of it this way. If the Spiders had thrown away the thought of coming after Gon, Leorio, Senritsu, and I, would you still have went with him? From the look of things, you are  _his_  concern. And don't take this the wrong way, but I wouldn't want to think about my past for what I did. Probably, that guy's the same. That's all I have to say.”

"Kurapika, whatever you decision is, let us know too. If you don't feel well going with them, we'll get you out-"

"No, Gon!" Kurapika cut in. His friends risking themselves all over again was the last thing he needed. Did they not digest his words at all, after he’d drilled into them to stay away from the Spiders? Then again, who was he to blame them? "I…need to think. I’ll take your advice to heart."

"…okay," Gon's voice was getting a bit smaller at the coming end of the conversation.

"Thank you, Gon, Killua."

Two simple words that brought Gon back to his cheerful state.

"No problem!" Kurapika could imagine the boy grinning from ear to ear. "Just remember Kurapika. If you need us, we're always here." That in turn, made Kurapika smiled.

Then Killua chimed in, "And make sure to give Leorio a call! That old man keeps ringing us, whining about how you shut him down when he calls you. He's just as worried."

Smiling to the phone, Kurapika nodded. "I will…well, I have to go."

"We hope to hear from you again soon!" Gon all but encouraged.

"For sure, later then."

"See you again!"

Putting away the device, Kurapika felt the weight crushing him down earlier was now lifted. Talking to Gon had that kind of magic. Somewhere along the conversation, his red eyes had turned back to their normal state.

Tilting his face towards the sky, Kurapika was a bit surprised to see that grey clouds overcast it. The wind started to pick up, seemingly a storm coming. But it had been raining with a light shower for quite a while now and Kurapika hadn't realized it. The love of rain was in his Kuruta blood - he wasn't a person to take cover from it.

' _Rain…again…like that day…always the same…'_

A small smile formed on his lips as he closed his eyes.

Kurapika asked himself and he got an answer.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The rain had gotten heavier by an hour, with lightning and thunder raging outside. The glass windows shook in their frames with every roar the sky delivered.

He pulled out his cell and checked the time; almost 6pm. His mind was still occupied with that Kuruta. In this kind of weather, it could probably be nothing to Kurapika. It was pouring, but at least it wasn't freaking freezing like the other day. He'd learned that Kurapika had been completely alone since at the age of thirteen, after his clan was massacred. The boy had looked after himself, whether indoor or outdoor, hence in any weather condition, he would be fine.

' _Then again, who am I to say this? I warned him that I'll go fetch him myself if he doesn't come back, and I will.'_

With that thought in mind and a slight annoyed feeling in him, he marched to the door, swinging it opened. He was surprised to see the object of his attention right there. Kurapika looked back with an equally surprised expression, his hand outstretched reaching for the doorknob.

Both of them fell speechless and immobile, like they always did in times like this. Kuroro regained himself when he noticed how the boy was soaked to the skin, shivering to a certain extent. But it seemed like Kurapika wouldn't be moving on his own accord soon, so Kuroro lightly pulled him into the room. While Kurapika stood there like a doll, Kuroro went into the adjoined washroom, grabbed the towel and throwing it at the Kuruta.

His prior temper washed away to nothingness.

Still, Kurapika was quiet and motionless, his eyes empty but looking at Kuroro with something the man couldn't comprehend. Frowning in the slightest bit, Kuroro closed the distance between them and reached for that small towel that was still dangling on the blond's head.

"You're going to get sick," he warned as he swabbed the cloth over the blond head.

Kurapika's lips parted slightly, as if he was about to say something.

"You can nag me after you're done changing and drying yourself, all right?" Kuroro inserted, quickly wrapping the towel around Kurapika and steered the boy towards the washroom's direction.

However this time, Kurapika refused. He didn't budge, and raised his eyes to Kuroro again. Upon seeing Kuroro's questioning gaze, he looked away. Under the rumbling sounds of the rumbling sky outside the window, Kurapika said barely above a whisper, "I'm sorry."

Stunned, Kuroro searched the boy's face. "What for?"

"For having said  _that_ …"

Kuroro's eyes flickered up towards the ceiling in thoughts. There was nothing in the world that could make him deserve an apology from Kurapika. Words, for him never mattered. But if there was one time that Kurapika's words had upset him more than any other earthly wounds, it would be…

' _We shouldn't have met that day at the Attique. Things shouldn't turn out this way.'_

Kuroro himself never said sorry for the things he'd done. He did for some trivial things like stepping on Kurapika's foot or dropping a heavy book on him by accident. But never about the incident five years ago; whether or not to raise it wouldn't mean a thing.

_The past didn’t really matter._

"It doesn't matter."

"And…the punch too," now, Kurapika looked at Kuroro again, particularly at his cheek where the trace of having been hit already faded.

"That as well, doesn't matter." Kuroro brushed it off, and said, "I was afraid you'll break down again."

' _Afraid? Genei Ryodan leader – no, Kuroro Lucifer is afraid?'_ Kurapika felt uneasy. He couldn't help the shocked look on his face before he admitted, "Well, I can't stay mad at you forever…I meant like…right now."  _'You used to always have a smug look on your face when I was down, but now when you're looking like that-'_ "I'm sorry, Kuroro."

Drawing back in another surprise, Kuroro had to break into a smile, "You shouldn't be apologizing me; it's not like you."

Something flashed in the boy's eyes, as if the flame-colored eyes were activating but was held back. For a moment there, Kuroro anticipated that Kurapika would snap at him like he  _usually_ did. For what it was worth, he'd feel way better if the boy did that - a sign that the boy was back to himself.

Kurapika didn't do that though. He merely nodded like a timid person and made his way to the bathroom. "I'll wash myself."

Sensing that something was definitely off, Kuroro stood still to ponder while keeping his eyes to the opened door where Kurapika had gone through. Then, he heard the sound of water running.  _'What the-'_ Kuroro trailed after the boy's course and before he could say what he'd meant to, he saw.

Warm water set the washroom misty, among that was the frame of Kurapika's bare, soaking back. He'd just stripped to his pants. His shoulders were small but his back was well-sculpted. Kuroro couldn't help but stare at that masterpiece of life. No sooner than Kuroro realized his own act was becoming perverted like how Hisoka did him before, he knocked the open door.

Once Kurapika turned a surprise look, Kuroro finally said, "You forgot to close the door." Kuroro shut the door for him, but didn't miss the shock look on the boy's face.  _'Had he really forgotten? A reserved person like Kurapika?'_

Outside, the rain was still pouring endlessly from the roaring dark sky, the night was approaching.

He waited until the boy came out. Kurapika looked better, but still pale, and looked as if he'd lost some weight in a matter of two days. He couldn't help but ask: "Have you been eating and sleeping at all?"

The boy returned a look, too calm to be like the usual Kurapika. He nodded, "I've been okay. If you're worry about my health, don't. You're no better than me."

True, Kuroro himself had little sleep. He watched as Kurapika languidly climbed onto his own bed. It was still disconcerting at how Kurapika was behaving. So, for the last attempt, he tried something to provoke the boy.

"Hey, Kurapika." When he got the boy's attention, he tapped at the empty space on his bed, "It's a little chilly. Won't you come here? Or would you rather have me there?"

The boy's eyes locked on Kuroro's.

' _Now yell, or throw something at me.'_ Kuroro anticipated. To his complete surprise, Kurapika slid off his own bed, and meandered to Kuroro's. Before Kuroro could do so much as gawk, Kurapika laid himself back down beside a sitting man and pulled the cover right above him.

"If you don't mind. I'm very tired."

And so gape, Kuroro finally did. Now he couldn't help his honesty: "Kurapika, not that I mind you being this way, but you seem a little unlike your usual self."

The boy raised his eyes, again with the look that Kuroro couldn't understand. They were too empty, but yet at the same time so intense. Just like Kurapika himself.  _Was the boy up to something?_  Kuroro couldn't suppose that as to what was happening. He knew the boy, or so he believed.

Upon that, Kurapika brought himself up to a sitting position. His head cast down as he said, "I'm not really like myself, am I?" When Kuroro nodded, he continued, "I'm not losing my head or anything. It's just that these few days have been nothing but confusion for me…about the path I'm taking. My friends’ advice is that I have to ask myself what I want, disregarding my past. I got myself an answer."

To Kuroro, Kurapika's explanations seemed like senseless mumbles. The boy was speaking slow, his posture too meek to be the chain-user he once knew. But he kept on listening… to an explanation, nevertheless. "And that is?"

Kurapika fixed his eyes on Kuroro’s. "I’m going with you." Kuroro's searching gaze caused Kurapika to look away, his fists tightening on the blanket. "I will be honest; the reason is because I need your help in finding the eyes or…something else…I'm not sure. But at the end of the day, I want to go…with you."

Kuroro smiled, but frowned at the same time. "Well…nothing matters, as long as you're coming with me. I have to remind you that our agreement is still valid." He lied. Things had changed. If Kurapika would have disappeared now, he would rather go after Kurapika than hunt down his friends.

"I know," Kurapika replied, with the slight edge in his tone.

' _That's more like it. At last, some reactions coming.'_ Kuroro tapped a hand on the boy's shoulder, "Sorry for that, don't get mad."

Kurapika gave the slightest bit of a glare, "Okay, now can I sleep? I'm tired."

"Go ahead," Kuroro urged and tucked the boy in, feeling a little weird at the boy's easy submission. He settled himself down beside the boy. In this tiny space, their bodies touched.

"Kuroro."

"Hmm?"

On the verge of sleeping, Kurapika spoke with his eyes close, too heavy to open anymore. "Sometimes, I want to be able to be like you…just letting go of the past." Then he fell asleep out of exhaustion.

Kuroro literally felt his hair stand. Did his ears just played tricks on him? _'Kurapika, letting go of the past? Isn't that the next to last thing that could ever happen on earth, next to Kurapika stop hating me?'_ Then he'd just realized the situation. What was happening right now, this compromising position they were in, prove that what they thought would happen last on earth was happening right now.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kuroro felt the weight on him even before he opened his eyes. Still night, he must have slept for some hours. The rain outside kept pouring down with light thunders and rumbles, seemingly going to rain the entire night.

Returning to consciousness, the weight on him was light. Kuroro opened his eyes; they adjusted to the dark in an instant. He just knew the presence right on top of him. No one else could come this close without his knowing. Then, a sudden lightning illuminated the room for a brief second confirmed his visuals.

"Kurapika?"

There was no response. Nothing. Then, for what reason had Kurapika crawled on top of him in the middle of the night?

 _Did he want to make it up to him or what?_  "Hey-”

His words were cut short when his throat was seized by clenching hands. Then, it dawned on him how unwise his assumption had been, and what Kurapika's real intention was.


	4. Invisible Wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Attempted Murder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Yumii for beta-reading and lots of help :D  
> And to Keane's song for lots of inspiration and the song title: Invisible Wall.

 

Not a sound emitted from his throat when the clenching sensation was registered.

It occurred to him that his ability to respond was limited. His movement restricted, as well as his words. The rattle of the chains rang in his ear. This sensations he undertook almost a year ago was ingrained in his memory.

Kurapika's chain jail… was constricting him.

Unlike the boy's previous, countless threats and attempts to kill him, this time…he could… _he would_. The vicious contact was yelling that fact out loud. With the air supply cut from his lungs, his mind reeled on the 'why'.

 _'He looked so mellow and calm when he came back. What brought about this?'_  Kurapika had been acting weird. He was like himself, and not at the same time.  _'The nightmare,'_ was Kuroro's reflexive assumption. It must have been his subconscious tuning him up for this.  _'...That bad? That he has to kill in his sleep?'_

Eyes adjusting to the darkness, he could see the blond's face through his squinting eyes. Kurapika’s eyes were vacant, emotionless.

Without Nen, struggling was futile. He knew Kurapika's strength better than anyone else. His Spider comrades were few doors away but none of them would have any idea about what was going on. It had been Kuroro himself who, after a few times of Nobunaga's barging in on them, had made it a  _rule_ not to bother them unless the situation  _really_ called for it.

And this had to happen. Just because when he was with the boy, it had become his unguarded moment,  _naturally_.

Then again, even now, Kuroro had a feeling he still didn't want to be bothered.

_But how could he get himself out of this?_

He stared at the boy as his body sagged deeper into the cushion beneath him under Kurapika's assault.

"Die."

A word came out barely above a whisper, so soft and so broken. It silenced everything else around Kuroro. The boy's eyes now turned bright red in the dark, but his expression bore no hostility, unlike the brutal strangle applied on his throat.

Something wet fell onto Kuroro's cheek and the grip on his throat loosened, allowing him a moment to gasp for the air. He knew right away what it had been from the sensation. ' _But… if consciously, Kurapika would never...'_ Then the boy leant in, weighting himself on his hands, forcing it down Kuroro's throat again. Once his face was near enough for Kuroro to see those eyes in the dim light, Kuroro's anticipation was confirmed.

Tears…

Though a vacant expression, Kuroro could see right through them. The pain tearing through the boy's feature. The pain that he'd always carried with him. Kuroro's attempt to struggle washed away. He was unable to look anywhere else but at those tearful eyes.

"…Because…of you…my family….my friend…everyone in my clan…I…I'm not supposed to…I'm…not."

Kuroro's  _‘why’_  was answered with that. He heard more than the rage and anger alone in his voice, he heard pain. His chest tightened not from the air cut from his lungs. When it came to Kurapika, it was beyond his control to disconnect himself from his feelings.

They were supposed to be an archenemies, not  _this_. Although Kuroro didn't see it that way; that was all in Kurapika's head.

"Die…die…die…die…die… _die,_ " Kurapika repeated again and again.

Outside the window, rain, lightning and thunder went on, just as Kurapika's killing him was prolonged and painful. Having been on the verge of painful death for countless of times, he could hold on much longer than the average.

To him, death was merely sleep with another name. The Spiders could live on without him. Hence, he never feared death, and would in fact, welcome the day his heart stops beating. Not once, until Kurapika came along.

For this was the first time in the long time that he  _didn't_  want to die. He wanted to live…next to this last Kuruta, now more than ever when there would always be someone out there targeting Kurapika. He wanted to stand in a way of the boy and all sorts of threat lurking near him.  _No matter what Kurapika thought_ , that was his initial vow when he took Kurapika from his friends. But then he'd become attached to the boy's seemingly mutual feelings.

Seeing the boy all worked up had always amused him, but seeing him in such broken state… Knowing Kurapika carried such amount of sorrow on his small shoulder? Kuroro couldn't stand that.

He wanted to stop the boy's suffering, but found himself doing the opposite. The boy had always had that war fighting inside his head whenever they were  _together._ When he struggled against it, it seemed to make it all the more painful.  _How many times had he seen Kurapika hit that emotional impasse?_

There were times where Kuroro thought how much differences it would make had he not massacred the Kuruta clan. What was the chance of them meeting under preferred circumstances? Would Kurapika have paid him this amount of attention with his all? Would he have any interest in Kurapika at all had the boy not been so hell bent on his payback?

No.

Kuroro had a distinct feeling that  _this_ was supposed to happen.

As long as he breathed for another day, Kurapika would have to relive this pain and confusion over and over again.

He thought to he'd keep fixing it, whatever might come, but it appeared Kurapika has had enough. Sad to say, it had only been six months and he  _wanted more._ Still, he'd rather let Kurapika have his way than Kurapika breaking down to the point where he was unable to come back. The time they had together had to be enough. The boy couldn't live the rest of his life with him living. If Kurapika's taking his life now would release him of that burden and pain, then…

_'…so be it.'_

His mind made up…he'd rather die by Kurapika's hands than the Judgment Chain. It was more up close and personal.

His last attempt to struggle given up, Kuroro relaxed his whole self as he gazed into the boy's eyes. His thoughts flipped between regret that he had not found the boy sooner and the bliss at the thought that his time had come by Kurapika's hands, before the remnants of his consciousness slowly slipped away.

To Kurapika, Kuroro gave his final smile.

_'I'm all yours.'_

…

Silence…even the rattling of the chains stopped.

…

The blackout that would follow when his brain was starved of oxygen Kuroro expected never came.  _Had it passed with him not realizing it?_

…

Jet black eyes drew opened. The first thing he saw were those flame-colored eyes glowing in the dark. That meant he was still there with Kurapika straddling him and killing him. The face hovered above him were still blank with the touch of grief etched upon it. The tears…still fell.

But both Kurapika's hands and the chains that bound him loosened. He looked as if he was frozen in time.

Kuroro's instinct kicked in as he drew a sharp intake of breath. Kurapika's chain had slipped; he could get out of this. With a swipe of his hand, he could effortlessly end Kurapika or at least throw the boy off to save himself from this predicament. The previous thought was logical to him…as the Spider. Then the latter thought, throw the boy off, snap him to his senses... Simple and clean.

But he couldn't find it in himself to do either of those.

Instead, he reached out his hands to cup Kurapika's face. He felt the slightest stiffening under the contact and knew whatever the state of mind the boy was in, he was still Kurapika.

"Kill me," he urged.

Into the silence that followed came the sound of the rattling chains before Kurapika's face turned hostile and the brutal force was applied to Kuroro's throat once more. Kuroro let his eyes slipped closed, welcoming the sensation of death.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

To him, there was only one thing he should do…he had to do.

Kill Kuroro Lucifer, despite that resistance deep inside of him.

From somewhere faraway, Kurapika heard a distant voice of someone calling out to him.

_…ka…op_

_That voice…_

_…stop…kura…-_

_Sounds familiar…Who?_

_Stop! Kurapika!_

_Eh?_

_KILL HIM!_

_…?_

_No, STOP!_

_…?_

_Kurapika! Is this what you really want!?_

_…What I want?_

_KILL Him!_

_I want to kill him…_

_No, you don't! Think for yourself._

_Think for myself?_

_Yes. Please listen to us, think!_

_…us? Who?_

_You know us. Now think!_

_Think…about what?_

_Him and you. Don't let those voices prey on your mind!_

_Opportunity like this doesn't come easily,_

_Kill him, NOW._

For some reason, Kurapika chose to listen to the voice that was familiar to him.

_Think?_

_About Kuroro... and me?_

Countless things had happened between them, throwing him and even a rock-solid Kuroro out balance. But then they had managed to pull each other through. It was the hardest thing to swallow at first yet he had to live with the fact that somehow they were compatible to each other in more ways than one.

He'd thought his day in hell had just begun, when he was forced to work amongst the Ryodan on their killing phase. That aside, the intense comradeship they shared among them helped take the edge of his resentment off.

As for being with Kuroro alone? He'd hate to admit that it wasn't that bad… not anymore.

Kuroro Lucifer was not evil. Evil went right out just to make people suffer for their enjoyment; Kuroro was just ignorant. They were less evil of the two, at the very least. He'd seen it and he'd been trying so hard to keep that fact in his mind, convincing it was one reason he could live with the man.

_'What's done is done, but we'll retrieve your brethren's eyes…together.'_

_Kill him…!_

_'Those two kids didn't want you to kill anyone, because you're their friends.'_

_Kill him…!_

_'Kurapika, I don't want you to go after them. Let's just focus on getting your brethren's eyes back.'_

_KILL him…!_

_'If you hear their cries, accusing you of getting along with him, it's all in your head. Your people would never want you to suffer. They'd want you to live and move on. Trust me on this, I got a dead friend too…thought he'd want me dead to be with him. Turned out that it was all in my head and the ghost of the real him wanted me to live and become a doctor like I’ve always wish to.'_

_Kill HIM…!_

_'For the last time, give it up. You'll gain nothing from revenge. The only thing that will be left is the emptiness and the bloodstains on your hands. You won't be able to carry the burden all the rest of your life.'_

_KILL HIM…!_

_… … …_

_For my people, I have to kill you._

_'I won't lose you._

_You're what I'm searching for._

_I know you've been through a lot, but do try to keep calm for your own good._

_If you get into trouble, the first person you're going to call is me, understood?_

_You're going to kill me in the end, yes? So don't die on me just yet. Hang in there._

_Stay close to me. If you have to be far, then keep yourself alive and well. I'll come find you.'_

_'…'_

There were times where he still didn't get it, for the life of him.

Why, if confronted with any potential threat, the first thing he'd see in the following seconds was Kuroro's back?

Kurapika just couldn't get it…or…

Did he refuse to get it?

But now, he wouldn't care….he just couldn't. This life of him was lived solely for revenge. For this purpose, he couldn't allow anything in the world to interfere with it.

_KILL HIM…!_

_…Do I…really want to do this?_

_Stop…!_

He told himself, 'kill him.' To ignore that voice inside and kill Kuroro Lucifer. In his line of vision, he was seeing red. Kuroro was under him, unable to move but striving to breathe. Under the direct contact, he could feel the man's pain. He could see that anxiety in the man's usual stoic eyes.

_Good._

_Suffer like what you did to my clan._

… … …

Soon after, the struggling stopped and he went still. The anxiety and the pain were gone from the man, instead replaced by a…smile?

_He's…he's giving in? Why?_

_Why, why, why?_

_Did he think I'll stop if he gave in, again?_

_You know I won't stop._

_Struggle! Suffer!_

_Die, as your atonement like you were supposed to._

_….?_

"Kill me."

_...?_

_What….?_

His face was touched by those hands that had always been so cold. They were still cold but they relieved the searing sensation from his rage. Deft fingers brushed his face and his vision became clearer.  _Was he in tears again?_

Like the first time he cried in his sleep and Kuroro dried his eyes.

The burning inside of him dissolved into a comfortable warmth. Why did the man who left him in the world so cold since six years ago now was filling him up with all the feelings he never thought would feel again in this life?

_Just because he came to care for you, you’re going to turn your back on us?_

_What about the revenge that you swore in front of our graves?_

_We won't rest until you've reached your final goal and that is his death._

_Now, KILL HIM._

_… … …_

_Right._

_That's what I'm supposed to do, for my people._

_Kill._

_Stop it, Kurapika-!_

Ignoring the call of resistance, Kurapika's hands clenched the man's neck beneath him again.

"Die, Kuroro Lucifer."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Explanation of format on Kurapika's POV:**

_Text on the left in italics are:_

_Kuroro's words;_

_Gon, Killua, leorio, Kurapika's nen master's words_

_Bold, italic text in italics are:_

_The ghosts._

_._

_Middle italic is Kurapika's thoughts._

**Note:**  Another cliff-hanger? This time it won't be long! Critiques and feedbacks are welcomed as always! Thanks :D

 


	5. Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> letting go

 

_Special thanks to Yumii for beta-reading._

_edited 17/4/19_

**Chapter 5 Let Go**

In his dreams, they were alive: his parents, his best friend, and his clansmen. Their lives were too simple for his liking but it was peaceful in that small community. Adventurous thoughts came across him from time to time, but in the end, he knew he'd want to come home and live there until his time comes.

He’d still had a home to return to, until he woke up to reality - the reality where he had vowed not to rest until the death of Genei Ryodan. Two of them were taken down thus far. The complication of being forced into the Ryodan filled him with doubt of his end goal now and then, although his strength of purpose remained unshakable.

When it all came down to it, he'd only have to go for its leader.

Way too often, he had visualized the death of Kuroro Lucifer. Just the thought alone was already entertaining enough. He always wondered how it would feel for real once he actually killed the man.

The day arrived…Kuroro Lucifer had stopped breathing, in his hands.

Opposed to every emotion that he thought he'd feel, Kurapika’s expectation was ruined. His mind was in a tangled mess, and his heart held no definite answer to a reason why.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

In the morning that followed, Kurapika woke to the worst headache ever. The first thing he did was to squint his eyes away from the sun that blazed into the room. His hand pressed against his temple in attempt to relieve the pain, but he found himself stuck to something.

He forced his eyes open, realizing the presence next to him.  _Kuroro._  The man had his arms loosely around him and seemed to be asleep.  _'How did I end up on his bed again? Did he talk me into this?'_

He pushed himself up. To his further astonishment, Kuroro's hands fell away from him. The man didn't even stir or tighten his hold onto Kurapika like he always did.  _'Guess I should be thankful that he doesn't bother me in the morning for once.'_ Kurapika passed it off as that as he levered himself to the edge of the bed. He let his feet touch the floor.

The chill seeped through his skin, reminding him that it had rained last night. Morning was far advanced, the clock reading eleven. His eyes swept the room, remembering that it was their current living quarters.

' _Last night? …Eh? When did I come back?'_ he couldn't recall. His memories of the previous days up until then seemed scattered. He tried to think back. His head hurt so much he had to cradle it in his hands. The last thing he could remember was talking to Leorio on the phone.  _'And after that? Why can't I…?'_

He rose from the bed. Fighting the small lightheadedness away, he sauntered towards the window to open it. The wooden frame shook off the droplets of rain away. Looking outside, the remnants of rain could be seen on the leaves and on the ground below. Kurapika took a lungful of the smell the rain, hoping it’d settle his nerves.

It was probably his fatigue and stress undermining his recalls. It had happened before. This was nothing new.

But the last time it happened, someone  _died_.

His eyes went back to the figure on the bed right away. The sleeping man's arms sprawled right where they fell off when Kurapika got away.

Something was off.

He called, "Kuroro."

No response.

Kuroro always responded to him on first call, even in his sleep. A  _'hmm,'_  the slightest shift, or whatever discreet, would suffice.

"Kuroro?" Kurapika tried again, louder.

Still, no response whatsoever. Kurapika marched to the bed. This time, he shouted, "Kuroro!"

Said man laid still. He knew the man had a knack for sleeping so still and quiet but he would have woken up at this rate. Kurapika's chest tightened and it took a while to steel himself. He crawled on the bed and shook the man's arm.

Another lack of response was all he could take. A wave of anxiety hit him. With one hand grabbing the man's shirt, he yanked him up and another hand hitting across that sleeping face, he yelled, "Kuroro!"

_If this bastard wasn't waking up, he swore he'd…!_

A hand paler than his own caught another oncoming hit. Kurapika stopped in his tracks.

"What was that for?" A hoarse voice bit out.

Upon that, Kurapika exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding. But the relief that washed him was too much to go unnoticed. He shoved that aside and glared into the jet black eyes that returned his look with a stunned expression.

"For waking up so slowly!" He shot back, letting go of the hand he'd been clutching on. Kuroro fell backward onto the pillow. "I thought you were-!" The words died in his throat, unable to grasp the reason to why he got all worked up.  _He thought what? And why would he think what he had thought before?_ Eyeing down at Kuroro, the identical look of confusion was on his habitually stoic face.

"What is it?" Kuroro asked, still lying on his back. His hand clamping at the spot where Kurapika hit him earlier.

 _Was it his imagination that the questioning look in Kuroro's eyes was far more intense than the man’s posture appeared to be?_  Kurapika shook his head, "Nothing. Probably…I think I... had a nightmare."  _What it had been, though, he had no faintest damn clue. Brilliant._

Kuroro's eyes shifted from Kurapika to the ceiling above them. "Yeah, me too."

The man's expression took on a speculating air as his hand reached to feel his neck. His eyes widened and shifted to meet Kurapika for a briefest moment before they looked away. Kurapika arched his brow, not understanding Kuroro's behavior but he sure had a feeling this had something to do with him.

Upon that, Kuroro hoisted himself up, hand pinching his collar together. It bothered Kurapika in the way he couldn't put his finger on.

"Did I black out?" Kurapika asked, his voice back on balance again.

Another long, pondering look from Kuroro came before he said with a slight smile: "Sort of."

There were times when Kurapika caught on Kuroro's hidden uncertainty under that firm voice. This was one of such. He raised another matter, "And you carried me to your bed?"

"Couldn't resist the chance," Kuroro said, smiling as bright as the morning sun.

 _That damn alter ego of his!_  It drew suspicion from Kurapika. In his own way, he could see right through that the man was hiding something. He pressed on with interrogative glare, "What took so long to wake up? You always wake before me and respond to my first call."

Kuroro rolled himself out of the bed and stretched, his back to Kurapika. Lifting an arm, he rotated it back and forth. "Can't you see? …I'm  _exhausted_. You were quite something to handle last night."

Kurapika's frown deepened as he thought this over. He refused to believe the man was hinting at a dirty joke.  _Did that mean… "_ Have I done…something bad to you? I…I can't…" His head hung a bit low, Kurapika's hands crumpled the sheets on the bed. He couldn't sort it out: actual memory, nightmare, and reality. Which were which? All of them were slipping away from his remembrance.

That had Kuroro turn to look at him. He placed his hand on Kurapika's head, his face all but compassionate. "No, you don't have to worry about anything. We're here to look for your clan's eyes so let's focus on that." He messed up Kurapika's hair until he earned himself a weak glare from the boy. He chuckled and said, "It's your turn to take a shower first. Go."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alone in the bathroom, Kurapika studied himself in the mirror after his shower. The swelling under his eyes caught his attention- a tell-tale sign that he had…cried? Yet, he passed it off as the lack of sleep, which he knew for a fact was true.

' _He's hiding something, but what?'_ Kurapika knew that look and that kind of ambiguousness that was Kuroro. There were times the man left him in the dark…to protect him. He just knew it.  _'And this memory lapse is not helping.’'_

When he came out of the bathroom, Kuroro just returned into their room and swung the door shut behind him. Kurapika didn't give it much thought. He might have gone somewhere, probably to his comrades within the structure. The man gave him a small smile and went on into the bathroom.

With blank mind, Kurapika settled on the edge of his bed for quite a while before his eyes strayed off to the window. He recognized the figures in the far distant road that stretched out from their living quarters.

The other Spiders were leaving. All of them.  _'Did he tell them to leave just now? Why?'_ Kuroro's comrades had been adamant on sticking around them for months, worrying about their leader's life. Kurapika didn't have to think too long when Kuroro emerged from the bathroom. The question was delivered right away, "Why are your comrades leaving?"

Drying out his wet hair with a towel, Kuroro looked through the window to see the vague shadows of his comrades parting their ways. His eyes returned to Kurapika. "You know they only stayed to make sure you won't kill me, which they learned that it's not going to happen anytime soon." Something inside those words bothered Kurapika's  _core_  as he listened on. "They have their own matters, and places to be. It's the rightful time for them to leave."

"Is that so?" Kurapika said, skeptical.

Kuroro sauntered to the boy's spot and bent down to level his eyes at the boy, "And don't you think we should have some  _alone_ time too?”

To Kuroro's surprise, his words failed to fluster Kurapika this time, or rather, Kurapika failed to respond to it.  _Something_ had happened and Kurapika couldn't put a finger on it. Kurapika observed Kuroro. Again, Kuroro's high collar shirt seemed to be a bother much more than the man's banter.

Kuroro shifted back from Kurapika. He gazed outside the window again and trailed off, "Looks like it's going to be a good day for Melb." He turned to look at the boy. "Feel like going out?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ever since Kuroro began to help him with retrieving the eyes, Kurapika had been impatient with how most of the time, Kuroro had taken the lead. The man wanted Kurapika to depend on him. To say it irked Kurapika was an understatement, it went against his personal code.

He’d want to do things on his own.

Somehow, today he didn’t mind going along with Kuroro’s sidetracks and detours. Kuroro suggested they’d better get the eyes during nightfall while they could spend the rest of the day. After having a decent brunch, they decided to stroll into the restful ambience of the forest where Kurapika had taken a refuge from Kuroro before. Neither of them mentioned anything about the happenings in the previous day.

In the shade of an age-old tree, they settled down on the area less affected by the rain from the night before. Kuroro provided books for both of them. The activity was habitual. One of the things they liked in common - read the day away.

Two hours later, Kuroro leant back against the grass to close his weary eyes for a moment. The breeze and the sound of leaves swaying put a smile on his face. Kurapika observed him. He knew that smile. The one that shown from contentment of enjoying a moment's rest.

As if he had been through something rough recently.

It took a while for Kurapika to make sure the man was napping. Taking care to be quiet, he reached out to Kuroro's collar. This bothersome, itch-like feeling he'd been having all day had got to stop.

His hand was caught in one paler than his own. The owner drew his eyes opened and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing?" Kurapika responded with uncertainty.

"You're attempting to harass me in my sleep?" Kuroro smirked, bringing Kurapika's hand away from where it intended to reach for.

Ever since morning, Kurapika understood now. Kuroro must have expected he would back out from him out of embarrassment like he did every other time. All these banter and teasing Kuroro had been playing him was to keep a distance between them.  _And why was that so, when what Kuroro did all along was trying to reduce the distance between them to zero?_

"Not this time," Kurapika mumbled as he leant over Kuroro's supine form.

"Eh?" Kuroro only had the time to utter at the unexpected reaction. He saw Kurapika's other hand moving towards him, he caught that one too.

The expression that flitted across Kuroro's face almost had Kurapika amused for the first time.  _That look of the deer caught in the headlights._ Had Kurapika's mind not been occupied with Kuroro's collar, he would have taken time to drag this matter out. His two hands captured, yet unrelenting, Kurapika leaned in further. His face hovered inches away from the man's. "What are you hiding?"

"Nothing?" Kuroro returned Kurapika's words with a smile. His act might have paid off when it came to feigning the lack of knowledge, to some of his comrades. Yet Kurapika had learned to see right through it. Dropping his gleeful gesture, he adorned a smirk. "Since morning you've been acting impulsive-like. You keep staring at me, and now this?" Kuroro gestured to their connecting hands to emphasize the proximity they were in. "Are you sure you're not trying to molest me? Or are you just trying to  _tempt_ me?"

Having enough shit from the man, Kurapika heaved a sigh, backing off a little. He’d need a different approach. “Kuroro.”

The man blinked, pushing himself up at given chance. Now Kuroro knew he meant business, but he still refused to open his mouth.

“I need to know. Sooner or later I’m going to find out. Whatever you’re hiding from me. Whatever this nagging feeling inside of me is.” He said, all with sincerity and honesty he expected the other unable to resist.

Kuroro looked at him, studying. Conflicting.

“Please,” Kurapika resorted to implore.

The jet black eyes softened then they closed. Kuroro turned his head sideways. “Okay…do what you will.”

Heart pounding, Kurapika reached for Kuroro’s collar to pull it open…revealing the faint marks around Kuroro's neck. It brought the happenings of the night prior back to him. The strangulation…his ultimate attempt to kill the Spider leader.

For a moment, his breath became erratic. He said in shaky voice, unable to look up at the taller man. "I…was going to kill you."

"You  _attempted_  to, or so I believe. But I'm still here... to which the reason is beyond me."

The person undergone an attempted killing said with such patience, his tone a complete devoid of any accusation or blame he should be entitled to, regarding their past matters or not. When Kurapika searched Kuroro’s eyes, he saw that nothing had change. Kuroro still looked at him in the same way as if nothing had ever happened.  _How could he still look at him like that?_

Kurapika dropped his gaze. His posture slouched over, hands falling to the side. He remembered everything now.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

xxx

x

After he had a conversation with Gon and Killua over the phone, he gave Leorio a call while walking back to his living quarters in the rain. He straightened his arm, leaving a large gap between him and the phone.

"Where the HECK are you, KURAPIKA!? Why don't you pick up the damn phone!? No, wait. Why did you hang up on me and NEVER friggin' call back!?"

A short silence followed. Kurapika brought the phone to his ears; he could hear the faint sound of heavy breathing and huffing on the end of the line. A twinge of guilt pricked him. Of all the men he knew for hot blooded tempers, Leorio was the one whose anger, ever so often, concealed the intense concern for his friends. And Kurapika had to shut him out like that.

"I'm sorry."

The heartfelt, apologetic tone Kurapika said with was all it took for Leorio to mellow down. The young man cleared his throat once and asked. "You still with him?"

"Yes, but not right now though," Kurapika responded and added on before Loerio’s inevitable question: "He's been treating me…well. So don't worry."

"I hope you're true to the words you're speaking. If not, and you're keeping what troubles you  _from us-"_ Leorio's voice became low, serious. "-I'm going to make you regret it dearly."

To his surprise, as much as it surely did with Leorio, he chuckled. This amount of care he received from his friend warmed him up to the core in such chilly weather. It dispelled his personal dark clouds and lightened his mood up so quickly that a small laughter of relief escaped him.

"Hey, I'm serious," Leorio grouched.

"Truth be told, there is one thing that's bothering me," Kurapika admitted. He refused to share this with Gon and Killua. Despite them being exceptionally strong, in terms of mental and physical. They were still kids to him. Besides, Kurapika had a distinct feeling that their experience in NGL was far from pleasant discoveries. The inside edge from the other Spiders specified that the place had literally become hell. Being the way they were, the boys must have involved themselves in it to help the situation out, at the cost of god knows what. Leorio was the only one he could confide this in.

"Tell me about it," The man coaxed, his voice concerned.

Kurapika recounted the nightmare to him, down to details. How it affected him…as well as Kuroro and their current troublesome relationship altogether.

His friend took time for this to digest before he remarked, "It's all in your head. I don't think your clan would haunt you to kill him, especially seeing as how the way things are now. Don't get me wrong though. Not that I'm  _overjoyed_  to see you  _with_  him, but the way I see it." He paused, a frustrated groan escaping him. "…ah well, you know."

Leorio's words were like a slap to his face. He’d been clinging onto the goal of retribution so hard his first emotional reflex was the antagonism.  _How could Leorio say that his clan would want something else other than revenge? He doesn't know a thing about the Kuruta except from what Kurapika had told him._

"Because you're hurting," was Leorio's answer had Kurapika taken aback. He hadn't even realized that the question was made out aloud.

Leorio's voice lace with compassion. "Of course, I don't know your people as good as you. And I know you're sick of people saying shit about  _'revenge won't bring back your people, yadda, yadda.'_ If I were you, I'd share your sentiment, for crying out loud. That allowing those murderers to live won't bring them back either."

Kurapika nodded to the phone. He remained quiet, knowing his friend still had more to say.

"I might not understand with my heart about how you feel; I'm not in your position. You're the last of your kind. But you  _wouldn't_  understand us, who have to watch how you go on raging in the world on your own." Leorio paused, seemingly thinking. Then he carried on, "You know, my dead friend came in a form of hallucination too - a product of my own guilt. But I learned that the real him wanted me to move on. Gon, Killua, and I now feel the same way about you and  _him_. I think…no I’m positive, if your clan are the ones that love and care for you, they'd most likely share our standpoint."

Kurapika took the time for his friend’s advice to sink in. Then he simplified Leorio's point, "You want me to stop this payback."

"That's what I'm rooting for. But in the end, it's your decision to make. Whatever you'll do, I hope the outcome is  _regret-free._ "

Another long lap of silence, except the sound of the rain, ensued.

"We'll see about that," Kurapika said in a flat tone, finalizing. He'd need to line up his thoughts and think it through. "I…I'll call you tomorrow."

"You better! If not, then at least pick up the damn phone when I call…or the very least, call back sometime later!" Leorio was back to his grouchy mode when it came to this matter.

Kurapika couldn't help but chuckle at that comical face of Leorio evident even on the phone. "Okay. I will. Thanks, Leorio."

"Hey...and-"

"Eh?"

"Is it raining over there?"

"It is."

" _Take care_  of yourself, Kurapika."

Leorio said with such emphasis that put another smile on Kurapika's face.

"I will," Kurapika closed his eyes, savoring the moment. "And good luck with your studies too."

The phone hung up, Kurapika closed his eyes. He had already gotten the answer. ' _Disregarding everything, for what I want most?'_

An image of Kuroro flashed with bittersweet clarity across his mind. Then it was overshadowed by the one with a landscape of corpses without eyes.

…

'… _I'm sorry, Leorio, Gon, Killua…I have…to do this.'_

This last life of the Kuruta clan was not meant for what he wanted. It was for what his clan wanted. He'd have to refuse Leorio's theory, reason, feelings, or whatever that was. When he closed his eyes, he still heard his people's cries. Never would he ignore them or rule them out as his figment of imagination.

His feelings, or whatever it was called, for Kuroro had become a hindrance. It had interfered with his vengeance too many times. He knew what he had to do for this final one. He stopped walking and raised his hand, summoning his Chain Jail.

So far, he hadn't touched upon this side of his ability yet. First attempt was going to be on himself. He allowed his eyes to glow red, in order to access his Specialist nen type.

_Manipulation._

_This to engage his mind and work his body._ This way, his feelings wouldn't interfere with his decision since it'd already be set in stone.

"I'll go back to him. When we fell asleep, my Chain Jail will limit his movement and I  _will_  kill him…a slow, painful death." His heart ache as he stated the condition out loud but he ignored his own pain.

His nen master had filled him in about manipulating oneself. Even the profession of this nen type lost the grip of themselves during the times of being manipulated. Not to mention the common side effect of amnesia and inevitable ache that followed.

This would be the last time he'd see Kuroro…alive. He'd make sure of that. Kuroro's defense would fall whenever he was around him. That’d make things even easier for him. A crooked smile ghosted Kurapika's lips. ‘ _Arrogant bastard, you'll pay for it.’_  What about his comrades within the structure?…They wouldn't know, if he cut off Kuroro's voice. The thought of strangulation crossed his mind.

What was more important than the way to kill the man, was how their last time together was going to be. Upon that thought, Kurapika added to the statement, "For the last time, I'll be honest with my feelings to him."  _'I do hope as well that I'll still be me, not the manipulating self. I want to remember my last moment with him…But that…isn't important.'_

To his wish, more than half of his conscious remained intact. But telling them apart wasn't his concern. For this last attempt, he set out under the gloomy sky that reflected his mood in perfect sense.

The rain streaked down his face. If he were crying, he wouldn't know.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

A whole unspoken discussion passed between them.

"I…failed," Kurapika said under his breath, his eyes gone blank. "I failed them…my people."

"You didn't. You just ended up not doing it," Kuroro clapped a hand to his shoulder. 

As strange as it was, Kuroro's words solved this riddle to his failure.

His Chain Jail was a product of his anger and hatred, reserved solely for Genei Ryodan. So far it reflected his thirst to hunt them down. It did its job in killing two of them although at the cost of their deaths directing that most awful sensation to his heart and mind.

It was his own. But in the ultimate end it didn't want to kill Kuroro.

His chest tightened. His mind reeled. His manipulating himself under the condition of his own Chain Jail was the last resort.  _How could he fail the last thing he could do for his people?_

How could he face them…whether it'd be sooner or later?

_His clan? What would his people say?_

Then his world went dark. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

xxx

x

The sensation was like moving through a dreamlike-state, in a world that lost its reality. Not long after floating in the void, his prone body settled on the cool grass. He couldn't see, nor could he move. Before he began to panic, the rest of his senses told him he was in Rukuso Forest. The smell of the greens, the sound of birdsongs, the earth beneath his body. They all calmed him.

"Kurapika."

Despite being distraught earlier, now that had past. He felt more at peace now and more capable of thinking straight.

 _'That voice._   _No way…M…Mother?'_

His voice trembled. Could it really be her? All he saw was darkness, he tried to force his heavy eyelids open. He tried to move his body but they didn't respond, as if the body wasn't his own.

"It's okay, honey. You're exhausted. Don't force yourself."

' _But…'_

"No buts!"

The demanding voice that was his mother's brought him back to the time when he was still a kid. He missed it so much. A gentle hand lifted his head up from the grass and settled it down on her lap. His sorrow soothed. He was beginning to relax under the touch of his mother when she stroked his hair. The logical side had him doubt what was going on but at the same time, he could remember the feelings so well about this mother. It was hard not to trust his sense at this time.  

"You've done well."

His whole body tensed. He couldn't recall. _Did he kill him already?_

"You haven't killed him, if that's what you fear."

'… _I haven't?...I….I'll-'_  Before Kurapika could say anymore, his mother cut in.

"-which is a relief to you, yes? And to us as well."

' _Eh?'_

"We want you to  _stop_  pursuing this revenge. We've been trying to reach you, Kurapika.  _Always._ But your blind rage kept blocking us out."

' _What…what do you mean…stop? I hear…voices and the cries for revenge.'_

"At first, yes. Their brutal act carved in our souls with all the hatred and resentment in the world. We cried. You heard us. We didn't mean to deposit all this burden on you but you took it on anyway."

' _But…why?'_ He was confused, he had no idea what his mother was getting at.

"You're  _hurting…_ so much that it affects all of us." His mother's voice became soft, compassionate, and above all, sad.

' _I…I don't care, as long as-'_

"No, you should care. Even  _he_ cares for you, going to that extent to keep you safe. You should value yourself and feelings more than this."

' _He is the one that led to our clan's downfall!'_ Kurapika retorted, disbelieving that his mother had just referred to her murderer in such way.

"What's done is done, Kurapika. If there's one thing we learn, as the lesson after lives, is that the more we hold onto this grudge and hatred, the more we are chained down by our own sufferings. That applies to you, the living too. You see, we are all connected. Our hurt affected you, and you us."

Kurapika went quiet. His mother continued on.

"We  _hear_ you cry, Kurapika. All along. It gets bad, and worsens every time you…take someone's life." The last three words were softly spoken. As if she knew it would hurt him but she needed to straighten it out. "We want your crying to stop as much as you want ours to cease."

Her words were hard to swallow, but Kurapika decided against his will to retort. She hadn't finished, so he'd keep listening.

"And you won't stop…crying and pursuing revenge. You even developed hallucinations that we haunted you to kill him."

Kurapika gasped,  _'Hallucinations?'_

"Those nightmares you've had recently…about us crying for vengeance…they were all in your head, Kurapika. Because we have stopped crying since times ago, when you and him took a turning point. Like you, we hated the Genei Ryodan but we are not blind, even without our eyes now. What he came to feel for you, and you for him."

Kurapika was startled. His dumb-founded state, however it must have looked, was shot-lived when his mother giggled. He missed her laughter.

"That's when we wanted this whole revenge hassle to be over. Things have  _changed_. We no longer dwell on the past and it's time for you to change this whole agenda too."

' _But…but…I,'_  Kurapika faltered. He understood every word of his mother's.  _But how could he do that?_  All this hatred he willingly nurtured for so long sat deep-rooted to his core.  _Without this hatred for the Spiders, he'd feel empty, he'd be hollow._

"Are you sure you harbor  _only_  hatred in your heart?"

The question was so blunt to Kurapika.  _Was his mother hinting that he had another feeling?_

He responded to her,  _'I'm not even sure what and how exactly I…feel towards him.'_

"You just can't admit your feelings for him, am I right?"

'… _Even if it's…the way you think…it's just…wrong.'_

"According to whom? Let me tell you that it's not us." When Kurapika said nothing, her voice went softer. "Kurapika, do you know why we can't reach you earlier? Why we stopped you at that very last moment?"

' _No, mother.'_ He had been wondering about that for a while.

"Your blind rage blocked us out from reaching out to you. But when you were about to take his life, there was a part of you…no…almost a whole part of you that didn't want that. It let down that fortification. We channeled to you through that passage. Do you remember what happened after that?"

He gave it a thought to search his mental file.  _'I…tried to kill him anyway.'_

"And ended up not doing it."

'…'

"Because in the end you don't want it that way, which should be a reason good enough for you to think about how you really feel for him."

It took Kurapika a while for him to grasp a hold of this. He knew by now for however it led to this, his mother was in his head. No use in lying; she'd know.  _'My feelings for him, if there is any…is not important-'_

His mother scoffed at him. "Stubborn as always." Her voice dropped to a sullen tone, finalizing. "You're tired, and so are we. We want to be free of our own vengeful souls."

"Mother?" He called, feeling her lap shifting beneath his head.

"You have to  _let it go_. You have to let us  _go_."

Came the words that Kurapika had dreaded coming the most. Or so he  _thought._ What did it all mean? He felt his eyes burned hot, tears swelling up against his will.

"Remember what I told you that very last time?"

He gave a moment, sorting through his memories of that fateful day and said aloud, "Live on." 

"Yes, good boy. You're the last one. We want you to live your life the way you want to.  _For us_." She placed her hands on his face while her other hand gently lifted his head off of her lap.

Back to the earth beneath him, Kurapika still couldn't move nor see. And she was leaving already.

' _Wait, mother!'_

A hand larger than what he felt from his mother clapped on his shoulder, and another voice he was well familiar with spoke, "Be strong, Kurapika."

' _Father?'_

"It's okay. We'll always be with you."

He was seeing without seeing. They were there, surrounding him. All of his clansmen, watching him, smiling at him for this seemingly last good-bye.

"Kurapika," a small, calm voice called out.

A lone tear fell down Kurapika's cheek. He responded,  _'Pairo.'_

His best friend smiled at him, the exact one he had smiled him goodbye six years ago.

"I'll put off asking you the question. But when we see each other again…on the other side, I'll ask you. The same question. You still remember it, right?"

' _Of course!'_ Kurapika hastened to answer to his friend. He wanted to see them… to get up, to his parents, to his friend, but his body still betrayed him. All of the sudden, regret filled him. Every dream, adventure, and the togetherness they promised to each other…all gone.  _'Pairo, I'm sorry…I-"_

"Hey, stop it! Haven’t your mother’s words sunk in already?  _No one_  blames you for surviving. Besides, you've saved us." Kurapika felt a presence kneel down next to him. The hand so small brushed away his tears.

He was a little lost.  _He saved them? How?_

"Later then, Kurapika," Pairo said before he added in a fading voice, "Oh, one more thing. I've met and talked to  _them_."

' _Who?'_ Even Kurapika's voice was fading from himself.

"They're not that bad."

' _Wait…what do you mean?'_

Just like that, all voices -including his own- faded.

Darkness took over but it was no longer cold.

xxx

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

xxx

Kurapika felt himself lying on the grassland. Not Rukuso forest, he could tell. Yet equally tranquil. Feeling he had enough strength, he tried to open his eyes this time.

The first thing he saw was the warm evening sky, the color mixed with violet and orange. He laid there for a while, taking in the sight of the clouds shifting through the sky. The tall, beige-colored grass about him swayed in the wind. Somewhere in the far distance, was a melody, much like the one Senritsu played for him to calm his frayed nerves.

He hoisted himself up, his eyes roamed over the surroundings. A vast grass field as far as he could see. With no one, but himself. He walked a slight distance to look about, then his eyes lowered to the ground with slight a distraught feeling. Having to say good-bye to his clan left a bitter aftertaste. Then again, he felt lighter now. Still… "They're gone."

"Not likely." A woman's voice came from behind him.

Kurapika glanced back; he remembered that voice well. Meters away, stood a blond woman. Pakunoda. Whether it was because of the tranquil surroundings or the lack of ill-intent from her, Kurapika had no agitation. He couldn't help the mere thought that crossed his mind though,  _'So she still haunts me.'_

"How rude. I don't recall ever haunting you before," She spoke in a calm voice, her bland expression gave way to a bit of being offended. She pointed somewhere behind her. Kurapika could make out a faint figure of that first human he'd ended his life. Pakunoda added, "So does Uvogin."

Kurapika lifted his eyebrows, followed by a frown. "What?"

Pakunoda exhaled in a boredom manner. "You heard me. Danchou keeps telling you that as well."

"If that's the case, then…" He hesitated, but asked anyway, "Why are you here? In my head?"

For the first time, she smiled to him. "I was worried about Danchou before. Now I don't see the reason to. I came to give you my last words."

Kurapika's frown deepened. "…And that is?"

"I'll leave him to you." Was all she said as she turned his back to him and walked away.

Taken aback by her words but remained unruffled, he just watched her leave with Uvogin. The large man turned to give him a brief, fierce grin. That too, had no ill intent that Kurapika could feel.

When they were out of sight, Kurapika reflected,  _'They've never haunted me?'_ Kuroro had told him that all the times that none of them was haunting him. Spiders haunted no one when they died. It was normal for their profession to be hated and taken down. It was hard to believe though. _All these because he'd gotten caught up in the vicious cycle of guilt? For real?_

With all these ghosts enlightening him, he felt baffled, plain weird, and even awkward. But among all those feelings, he felt lighter. When he thought about it, he was not even sure if this was not another of his hallucination or figment of his imagination. Hell, he could even be deluding himself for all this letting go to make himself feel better.

Still, there was a fact that he never had that defense mechanism of denying the truth since six years ago; the worst episode of his life. He wouldn't be having it now.

"This is real." He was well too accustomed to all those feelings he had when he was with the spirits of his clan a moment ago, even though it had been such a long time.

Looking overhead to the sky, the color began to change. Cloudy, soon followed by raindrops. Closing his eyes, he listened to the beautiful melody still floating in the air. The rain pitter patter against his skin. He loved the rain, but not for long it was turning into a downpour beating down on him with chills too cold for his liking.

Thoughts crossed his mind. The last time he felt so cold, there was _someone_  holding him.

A sudden warmth enveloped him. When he opened his eyes, he found himself in the arms of the man, where he at times felt was the safest place in the world.

The arms of Kuroro Lucifer.

The man was sleeping soundlessly through all the rumbles from the rain and storm outside their room. Kurapika's eyes burned again as tears welled up but he forced them back.

_He almost strangled him to dead and the bastard still had the nerve to wrap his arms around him…_

' _Let it go,'_

' _Live on and be happy.'_

x

xxx

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Kurapika."

A firm voice filled with concern brought him back to where he should be. Under the trees canopy, with Kuroro. The memories were chased back to where they belonged.

He felt his cheeks…wet again. He blinked before his eyes drifted skyward. No rain.

A hand brushed his cheeks brought his attention to its owner. All the worries and concerns clouding Kuroro's face were too overwhelming that they forced Kurapika to pull himself backward.

He was crying, wasn't he?

' _No…not again. Not…in front of him!'_ His mind screamed.  _'Stop!'_

He pressed his hands against his face, keeping the tears held up. Kuroro had been and still was the last person on earth that he was supposed to be showing this side of him to. Kurapika cursed inward that the damned tears wouldn't stop. He leapt to his feet, with every intention to be as far away from the man as possible.

Kuroro didn’t let him.

"Kurapika," Kuroro called again. He tightened his hands on Kurapika’s when he tried to break free.

"I…I want to be alone," Kurapika tried. Kuroro would understand his much-needed personal space. If he asked, Kuroro would let him go like every other time.

"No."

"…!?"

"Not when you're crying," Kuroro pressed. His voice, as firm as his hands on Kurapika's. His face etched with confusion but much less than the amount of concern. He set one foot further to close the gap between them. Kurapika backed away at the distance he was allowed with his one hand bound in his tight grip.

"Don't…" Kurapika demanded through a broken voice. He hid his face under his bangs, "I…I won't be able to look at you without wishing that I should kill you. You know… _this_  will come back again. Why don't you…save yourself a trouble…"

Kuroro frowned deeper, knowing what Kurapika was getting at. It seemed to irk him to the core. “ _Seriously?” His voice dragged out._ He exhaled audibly with closed eyes and bit out a snide remark. "Like I don't know that? I hope you're just spouting this nonsense because you’re not in your right mind." His other hand eventually found way to Kurapika's face, forcing the boy to look at him. "Commit it to memory. Whatever comes around, I won't give you up.  _Ever._ "

True, he was just rambling senseless. His heart should have known Kuroro would never walk away. How Kuroro's words left him barely able to think, much less fight back. After all the failed attempt to run, Kurapika eventually resulted to a weak plea, hiding his face behind his bangs. "Don't…look."

He was yanked to Kuroro’s chest.

Horror-stricken at this further unexpected gesture and how his body was responding to the warm touch, Kurapika squirmed although his strength was wearing out. Relentless, with hands already holding the boy’s frame, Kuroro buried his chin on the boy's head and whispered, "I  _don't_  see anything."

Just like that, the will to fight to get away from his arms faded before eventually ceasing, leaving only the fierce trembles in its wake.

Then Kurapika broke into tears even harder.

His hands clutched on the fabric of Kuroro’s shirt, almost as if he was holding Kuroro back. The need to lean on someone obvious when cornered by his own emotional pain. Never in his life he’d expect that someone to be Kuroro.

 

 


	6. How Far Can We Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Try again...

 

"They…they told me to let it go." The boy's voice muffled through his shirt.

"Who?" Kuroro asked despite having the best clue as to what or whom the boy was referring to. He hadn't yet grasped the whole situation, but he had a distinct idea.

For a man who felt nothing when he first saw the boy cry in his sleep months back, it sure was bothering him the night before and right now. He wanted it to stop just as much as he knew Kurapika dreaded Kuroro seeing him in tears.

"My clan…told me to stop-" Kurapika's voice broke off. He made no attempt to complete what he was saying before speaking again, already moving to another point. "-and that I should just…live my life."

Yet Kuroro understood it all. The hesitation, the anxiety and the failed attempt to kill him. They all added up. Kurapika's vengeance had been carried out by his sense of responsibility of being the last one. His belief and his lifetime goal was of his clan's last wish.

His eyes lowered to the boy. It must have felt weirder for him confessing all this to the murderer of his clan. But that could have meant that keeping this inside was all too much, having been the living container of his pain for so long. Or…Kurapika came to trust him to this extent.

Eyes drew shut, Kuroro couldn't help the small smile as he savored the moment and gave a response, "Hmm."

XXX

A while later, Kurapika found himself clutching his head in his hands, face down. The tears had already stopped. He just couldn't bring himself to look up at the man. Kuroro had been patient, he just waited after both of them settled back down on the grass. Once his mind cleared, he was suddenly aware that they were still out in the open space, under the canopy. Kuroro stayed, nailed to the spot and he knew that sooner or later, he had to face him, better now and get it over with.

All the 'don't look' and 'I don't see anything' was for naught, for the first thing he saw when raising his head was Kuroro's shirt soaking wet with his tears.  _Would Kuroro do him a favor and disregard that too?_

After what had happened earlier, he just felt so awkward in front of Kuroro and didn't know what to say or how to react. Until the man filled in the silence himself.

"Do you think you could do that?" Kuroro asked, voice filled with something close to compassion.

"Do what?" Kurapika murmured, his mind still muddled.

The hands came to rest on both of his arms. "Letting go, living your life."

His eyes wavered before forcing himself to look at the man, "I don't…know."

All this time, he had been blinded by rage and anger. He hadn't been aware that up until now it had distorted his view of reality bad enough to close off his clan's true calling.

"If it's what your clan want, what your friends want," Kuroro said with the faintest smile and waited.

Back then he would have been all riled up by now, having words about his clan and his friends coming out of the Spider's mouth. "If it's what I want too." He heard himself gasp as Kuroro carried on, "But say disregarding what the others want, what about you? What do you want?"

It was only then that one thing was clear to Kurapika. Kuroro wanted him to let go not because he wanted to be set free from Kurapika's vengeance.

Kuroro wanted him to be free from the shadow of his own past.

He remembered how he felt when he saw Kuroro's fake, dead body back then. Emptiness. But the aftertaste of ending Uvogin and Pakunoda wasn't quite like that; they exhausted him out in more ways than one. Awful, that was what it was. Given that thought, the first choice would be the lesser evil of the two. But could he really do that? What was he to do without his vengeance?

"Hey, I know, change is hard. Probably one of the hardest things for human nature. Things just don't always go the way we want. I've been there," Kuroro said. His eyes grew distant for a brief moment, then they came back to him. "But from that, there were alternative paths I've been thrown into. They weren't always bad, even turned out to be the thing I might have wanted all along. Not everything is set in stone, Kurapika."

Kurapika's hands fisted at the grass below him. He opened his mouth, "I…" but closed it soon after, falling into another silence.

With a faint smile, Kuroro's hand circled at his nape. The man drew his head to the crook of his neck. "You don't have to answer now, but think about it?" Kurapika nodded against his skin.

"Sorry." He murmured without holding back.

If Kuroro was taken aback, he didn't show it. He should know the apologies were for the fuss of these few days' events, not for more or less. The man accepted it with a nod and returned, firm and audibly. "I'm sorry too."

Their apologies weren't defined, and no one asked. To Kurapika, he already knew by heart Kuroro, not for the life of him, would be sorry for what he had done in the past; he was only apologizing for being the cause of his pain. That much he knew.

That much he should appreciate, perhaps.

Still there were lots of questions unanswered, issues unresolved. Whether it was him crying most of the troubles away or Kuroro being so immeasurably patient with him, Kurapika had come to one conclusion. He had to start somewhere new. At this point he had had enough of experiencing the damage of being confined in the vicious cycle of revenge. Maybe it was about time to break the pattern.

And maybe the question he must first answer to himself was: 'What exactly did he want?'

_An eye for an eye, and the world goes blind._

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Once he held the eyes belonging to his clan, and three days after, the answer came to him.

"I'll get all the eyes back, then I'll see how it goes from there," he resolved to Kuroro as the man was sitting on his bed, flexing his arm to test it after Kurapika healed him. Their recent retrieval of the Kuruta eyes was a fail. They both came out injured; worse, empty handed. It was half-expected, not everything could go right all the time.

Kuroro had looked mildly surprised at the wrong variables but his look of surprise grew full-blown when Kurapika told him 'it's ok.' The information misled them and it was on them both, not just Kuroro.

From where they escaped, Kuroro suggested they stay at the inn before their next move. Without the other Spiders tagging along, the arrangement was made much easier. Some clean nice warm beds and some amenities would do them good.

"Yeah" he nodded to himself, turning his back to the window to lean on it. "But I'd probably make a funeral for these five pairs first."

"A funeral?" Kuroro perked up, interested. "Where?"

"A…church…maybe…I saw one here." His answer came out slow not from uncertainty, his decision was made, but of Kuroro's behavior. The man was curious by nature and sometimes Kurapika found it hard to handle this side of him. On one hand, it was the thought of the Spider head peeking into his personal Kuruta business, which he'd profusely condemn after the enormous casualties he left behind.

"I had no idea Kuruta believe in God too," Kuroro leaned forward, sitting cross-legged with palms pressing on his ankles.

One look at the man and Kurapika had to chase his hesitation away, "Only some of us…but we have our own belief system. I'm just going for a church because I believe in its spiritual connection is all."

"I see." Kuroro hummed with pondering air. "So what's your other belief systems? Is it in a nature deities?" Then he looked as if he caught on to himself chattering. Kurapika anticipated he'd back off but- "No, what do  _you_  believe?" He rephrased, eyes brightened with interest. On the other hand, Kuroro struck Kurapika as a child, sometimes.

"Aren't you too curious for your own good?" Kurapika chided, his brows furrowed. Sure he made a recent declaration that they'd start somewhere new, establish themselves a better path than the bloody one, maybe. Didn't mean he would…could leave everything behind and take the bloody murderer as a friend right away. Kuroro should know that.

"Hmm, I'm not curious about everything, mind you. I'm curious about things worth my attention." He shrugged, eyes looking up at the ceiling before they zeroed back on Kurapika when he emphasized his next words. "I'm curious about  _you_."

Kurapika wanted to throw something at him. His eyes set on the TV remote control on the table a couple of steps away. Seriously, if this bastard was expecting a friendly chit chat-

_RRRRRRRR_

The phone rang off from Kurapika's pocket. Seeing the caller id, he realized he'd forgotten to give Leorio a call like he said he would. Saved by the bell! Both his mental fortitude and Kuroro's forehead. He gave one dismissed look at Kuroro; the man nodded with a faint grin. Kurapika then stepped outside the room before picking up the line. He sauntered away, up the stairs, until he reached the rooftop under the windy night sky.

As expected, Leorio just wanted to make sure he was doing okay, in which Kurapika confirmed of his well-being and the choice he just made. He concealed most of the details, not wishing to burden Leorio with it.

In hindsight, the feeling of shame hit him like waves. For pouring his heart out to his friends the day before. If anything, they were happy to help, he knew it. Still, he couldn't help but cringe at his past behavior, said past being only one day old.

Perhaps he was already a different person from yesterday.

When they were done talking about half an hour later, he made sure to advise Leorio that he should be allocating all that he had into becoming a doctor like he wished, not in worrying over him. In the end, Leorio was more than relieved Kurapika chose the choice he favored.

"I'm so  _glad_  you choose not to dwell in the past, Kurapika. You can make it make you move forward."

Kurapika could hear the smile in Leorio's compassionate voice.

There was a silence where Kurapika let his friend's word sink in. "Of course."

These past days after the incident, he'd already felt so much lighter, like the weight holding him down for 5 years lifted. Although not completely, never completely. His family might have wanted him to let all the bygones be bygones, he could feel it, being set free from family obligation. But not a whole part of him was ready for that…yet.

XXX

It was 9.59PM when Kurapika returned, the light in the room was off, leaving the source of light from the lamp bright enough. Kuroro was lying on his bed with eyes closed, most likely resting. He walked to sit on the edge of one of the twin beds and looked at the man, knowing the other was still awake.

"It was Leorio," he said. Once Kuroro opened his eyes and craned his neck to look at him with a contained surprise, he hesitated for a split second before continuing, "You know, he's one of the people favoring the choice of me letting go over vengeance." The last word was barely audible. He wasn't the only one surprised for relaying this information to Kuroro. The man already looked at him as if he had a damn flower popped out from his head.

Yet soon after, Kuroro schooled his expression back to normal, but the smile came in its wake, "Thanks."

Kurapika just nodded and made no attempt to stomp down the funny feelings he got every time the Spider head  _thanked_  him. Way often than not, Kuroro had been telling…confiding what most of his calls were about…like companions do. With a whole bunch of other major issues waiting for him to work on, he could start here…become a bit more open to Kuroro.

"Just so you know, I won't be bothered if you pick up your friends' call in my presence. I stand by my words that I won't bother them." Kuroro suggested, lacing his hands behind his head.

"I know," Kurapika almost smiled with an appreciative nod to the man. He just had the habit of putting his private matter from the Spiders.

_RRRRRRRRRRR_

Kuroro 'pfft' at the speaking of the devil. Yet he made a hand gesture, letting him know whether or not he wanted to pick up the call in his presence was of Kurapika's choice. He blinked when Kurapika silenced the phone and put it away. "Aren't you gonna pick that up?"

"It's Leorio again. I'm just done talking to him." Kurapika shrugged lightly, eyeing sideways. "He sure has a habit of calling me way too often. Just when I had told him to focus on his medical study."

"I realized," Kuroro commented, glancing upward. "I had that one urge amongst the many calls he made back then when I was holding onto your mobile, to tell him off."

A chuckle escaped his lips at the mental picture of Leorio unknowingly bothering the patient Spider leader.

The phone kept on vibrating.

"It could be important," Kuroro raised, pointing to where Kurapika had put the device down.

"No...not always, especially from Leorio," he responded, thinking how his friend would have flipped knowing this.  _But it was a valid point, wasn't it?_

In retrospect, Kuroro had quite a few people calling him, from time to time. Most of the time from his comrades, few other times were from people he had zero knowledge of. As far as he'd seen, Kuroro rejecting calls were almost to none.

"Do you pick up all of your comrades call?" He couldn't help but ask.

"Why not? Some years go by without any of us seeing each other at all, we keep in contact as much as we can." He answered, his bond with them evident on that information.

Kurapika came to realize one other thing about the Spiders. Of how Kuroro's comrades tag along and the allowance given when the leader could simply order them to disperse. Not only did they worry about their leader, but their leader, Kuroro, must have…missed them, for lack of a better term.

Comprehending the man brought about the realization that the core problem within himself he needed confronting had been his incapability of accepting … a bond and perhaps even friendship, for that matter. He took his friends to his heart, appreciating the feeling of being blessed, but to him, keeping in touch was not part of the deal.

His gaze strayed from Kuroro, to the device still vibrating beside him. He picked it up, his eyes stayed on Kuroro. The man gestured him the encouragement. He found that odd. For the past months Kuroro had looked somewhat annoyed whenever his friend called.

At last, Kurapika caved, pressing on an answering button. "Yes?"

"Took you so long everytime."

"Well, couldn't you have wrapped it all up in one go? I don't have all day for your idle chat," Kurapika jeered in a light tone.

"Insolent brat," Leorio returned with mirth-filled voice.

They both laughed lightly.

"Okay, that aside. I'm calling for a get together in Swardani. Gon and Killua will be there too; their rest stop is in Swardini. You're in Melb, yes? It's one day travel away. We're thinking this coming Friday to Sunday. It's the only time we can allocate. Come on, please say you can make it. We don't know when we'd see each other again."

"Friday to Sunday?" Kurapika trailed off and met Kuroro's gaze in an instant.

It wasn't about the allotted days, it was about his plan with the Spider leader for the Kuruta eyes.

"Well, I don't think I-"

"You should go."

Kurapika's eyes went wide with disbelief. He gaped at Kuroro, only to have his attention divided when Leorio nearly shrieked from hearing Kuroro's voice filtered through. "Is he there!? He's there!"

Kuroro pushed himself up to sit on the bed. He let his feet touch the ground and sat leaning forward to Kurapika, elbows on his thighs. "As far as I'm concerned, there'd be hardly a chance for you to get together with your friends again. I'd suggest you go meet them. We can work on the eyes later when you come back."

The sound of Leorio's gulp was audible. Kurapika spared Kuroro a pensive look. Not only had he insisted Kurapika to pick up Leorio's call, he urged him to go with his friends. Kurapika's initial reflexive thought was, ' _what is the Spider head up to?' i_ f all he did before was to keep Kurapika to himself, and away from his friends.

But Kurapika squashed his doubt down. He was not the man he was yesterday, possibly so was Kuroro.

"Alright, I'll be there," He agreed to his friend, his eyes never leaving Kuroro.

"YES!"

His eyes strayed downward and sideways, away from Kuroro now. Leorio's delight brought a smile to him. They talked for a bit more about their meeting point before he hung up. When he looked up, Kuroro still had his eyes on him.

The dejected look on Kuroro's usual poker face was fleeting. Like it wasn't there, his first thought was to let it pass. But it would only end up bothering him later.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," Kuroro responded with faintest smile, one of which didn't quite reach his eyes. Although his feet planted on the floor, a feet apart from Kurapika's, his posture drew back.

Kurapika tried a different approach. "Why'd you insist I go with them?"

The Spider cut him a glance. "You're a bundle of nerves, you need a break. Live, remember? Not just working your ass out on self-disciplined obligations."

He wouldn't take that crap. Okay, maybe that was half the crap. As of now, Kuroro could care to that extent, but Kurapika could still tell apart that (half the) crap from the truth. "Answer me, Kuroro. Thought you could be honest with me."

A long pensive look etched on Kuroro's face was replaced by the uncertainty that flabbergasted Kurapika. It took Kuroro a while to lean back towards Kurapika and speak. "I am…bad for your mental and psychological well-being; hence, your physical well-being. Whereas your friends are good…for you."

_So that was why he had that brief dejected look on his face._

The man didn't dwell for long, soon he was his usual self again. Posture straightened, he lifted his head up, grinning. "I could use some alone time for myself too, mind you."

Allowing the time to process Kuroro's previous declaration, Kurapika gave his delayed-response. "Well, mostly yes. But  _not_  all the time. And it…gets better."

With eyebrows quirked, Kuroro dared to ask. He looked uncharacteristically hopeful, "You mean that?"

His eyes homed in on the Spider leader.

' _I won't be able to look at you without wishing to kill you.'_

' _Let it go, Kurapika.'_

' _Can't spend your whole damn life mourning.'_

"…Yeah…it gets better." Kurapika nodded to confirm that thought, more to himself than Kuroro. It had only been yesterday, now that thought had seemed rather far off. The resentment was not gone, the root still deeply seated, but to nurture that hatred was no longer a part of him. A good sign. Then he regarded Kuroro's latter point, "If you'd like to be alone. Just say a word, anytime-"

"Not right now." Not only had Kuroro interjected, he drew himself up and with one long stride, moved to sit himself next to Kurapika. "This Friday to Sunday, huh? I'd only have you for myself until then, better make the most of it."

No, Kuroro's words shouldn't affect him in any way and his ears nor his face did not just catch fire. Yet the look of amusement clear on Kuroro's face suggested otherwise.

Kurapika's breathe hitched when the sides of their hips and legs touched, his cushion sank under Kuroro's added weight.  _Holy shit._ They'd been sleeping in the same bed for more than once, this shouldn't make him any he was.

For someone  _once_ identified as a cold-blooded killer like Kuroro, to be showing this side of him…freaked the fuck out of him, especially after his murder attempt on the bed. The bastard still had the nerve…like always. Then again, Kuroro could have said the same about him. They were both reckless despite themselves. He contemplated if Kuroro had the certainty about Kurapika not killing him (he seemed to have endless resources for this impression). At times, his mind still speculated to the utmost, of how it would turn out if he really managed to kill the man.

"You look tired. Want to lie down?" Kuroro suggested. He must have seen him freak out in silence, of course he must, with those keen, observant eyes of his. Yet he stayed where he was.

Kurapika nodded. He crawled onto the edge of his bed, deliberately leaving the space on the side for the man. He figured if he didn't do it now, he'd have to do it a little later, having learned too many times by now when Kuroro wanted to get…closer. Without looking, he could already see a complacent look on Kuroro's face as the man followed after he dimmed the lamp down.

The bed wasn't made for two. After their little shufflings, they ended up lying side to side, both facing up. He stole a glance at Kuroro. Upon Kuroro's pleased expression before the dark grey eyes closed, followed by a small contented sigh - the gesture like an adult coming home from a tired day at work, like a child having something he wished fulfilled - an answer came to Kurapika.

He  _didn't_ want to find out, of how things would have turned out differently had he killed this man.

_Damn all his plans to hell._

A memory of that night flashed across his mind, of Kuroro willing to die by his hands.

Kurapika swallowed the uncomfortable lump in his throat. He wanted to forget, already knowing it'd be impossible.

"Kuroro."

"Hmm?" The man opened his eyes, tilting his head to look at him, all attentive.

"If…If ever I relapsed again…if I'm too far gone…" He paused, conflicted on whether to voice his discomfort out loud. He could regret this later. "You'd have to be on your guard…you have to…" He fumbled over his own words. "You don't…even have to be this way...around me."

The man lifted his head from the pillow to regard him with a measured look. "Are you bothered by my unguarded moment?"

Kurapika hesitated before he gave a slow nod. "I could kill you…still, conscious or not."

"Do you have any idea why I let my guard down?" Kuroro flopped his head back down.

"Please don't give me that bull about how you know I'm not going to kill you, again," Kurapika rolled his eyes, restraining himself from pulling at the man's hair out of exasperation by now.

"Honestly though, on that night, I do believe you were going to kill me  _for real_ , amongst your many failed attempts and empty threats." Kuroro didn't stop upon Kurapika's noticeable offensive twitch on that  _'many failed attempts and empty threats.'_ He carried on, turning to look at Kurapika. "In the end,  _you didn't_. Now I believe we've past the worst point."

"There's no telling about the future. People can change all the time. I can't guarantee-"

"You're not guarded anywhere around me either. Why should I be any different?" Kuroro returned and pushed on. "I did say I won't kill you. But what made you so sure I wouldn't, hmm? What if I change my mind? I'm the Spider. You're Kurapika. You have your moral codes. I have nothing."

For a moment, Kuroro's eyes hardened, dark and unfeeling. Like the ones Kurapika was accustomed to when he was still the 'Danchou' months back. But the sudden change failed to bother or affect him in anyway, even with the slightest knowledge that the man must have merely meant to make a point.  _Whoa, he just added one more proof to the point Kuroro just made._

Still, he had no answer for Kuroro. His body squirmed back from the man in the small space available on the edge of the bed. Steering the questions back to Kuroro was all he could do.

"All these troubles and issues from me, aren't you…tired? You could have avoided them if you've been more cautious." Kurapika blurted, only to realize later.  _Holy crap_ , he did not just feel sorry for the man to handle his on and off waves of wrath and erratic behavior. But god, for one of the worst bandits in history named after Lucifer himself, Kuroro possessed a patience of a saint.

Where was the point of his maximum toleration?

And Kuroro did not need to, it wasn't his obligation, or role if he didn't hold himself accountable for the consequence of Kurapika's life now. That wasn't the case.

Said saint shrugged in his prone form, his stance casual. "I look at the whole picture, the cause worth striving for." Kuroro turned to face Kurapika. He reached for him, his hand warm against his face. "I look at  _you_. Not the fractional, insignificant hassles and fusses along the way. I thought you'd know better being the goal-oriented type?" The hand withdrew when his point was made, but it came to rest next to where Kurapika's hand was. Kuroro stayed facing Kurapika.

"For your answer, sorry, but no. It'd go against my nature," he made it sound like a banter yet his face was solemn.

"Your nature?" Kurapika's brows raised.

"Being myself, I mean," Kuroro clarified, his eyes fixed on him. "When I'm with you, I'm just being myself?" After a beat, he added, tone thick with purpose. "Just so you know, this motive is firm. I just don't think it could serve as an answer to your limitless cognitive thinking."

"You're…damn right," Kurapika grumbled as his eyes glazed over, shifting his attention back to the ceiling. Months ago, Kuroro was nothing to him more than the bane of his existence. Then following all the things that had happened convinced him otherwise. The matters were made more difficult by the very nature of Kuroro himself. Kuroro could be…complex or just a simple man, or both. By that, it was just a complication. Way too often, Kurapika still couldn't grasp the idea why Kuroro did what he did. "I think your motives are beyond my analytics."

"Maybe you can't always believe in what you think," Kuroro remarked, his tone implying something Kurapika couldn't put a finger on, or refuse to.

_Yeah, he'd just learned that the hard way._

He kept his eyes fixed on the ceiling, internalizing his fluster underneath the searching gaze from his side. Until the man's arm reached across his chest, grasping his upper arm resting on the edge of the bed. His breath caught again, if only for a moment. The hand steered him to turn towards its owner. It was nothing forceful. Without words, Kuroro urged him and all his defenses useless before him, his compliant body turned to face the man.

A small smile formed on Kuroro's face. "I can see your painstaking effort, to meet me halfway, trying to understand, comprehend my motives; compromise, whether you're aware of it or not. Especially after the Mafia incident, especially now. Do you really think we're unreachable to each other?"

By saying so, he entwined his fingers over Kurapika's.

Thankfully, the low light wouldn't allow Kuroro to catch the color on his face he was sure was responsible for the temperature on it. Or could he?

"No…" he gave a slow answer, almost inaudible. Questions were nagging at him, lots of questions. The only few he'd managed to deliver were the ones prioritized; the ones undelivered were ones he wasn't ready to hear the answers.  _What did he mean by that 'he was himself when he was with him'_ was one amongst many others.

"If it's any comfort, okay, I'll watch my back when you flip, sometimes. Regardless I'm trusting myself with you."

_What went through his mind when he was about to kill him? Why was he willing to die by his hands?_

These questions were stuck in his throat.

"That's good enough," he whispered into the pillow, followed by a stifling yawn. The day had been long yet he felt the night shorten. He complied when Kuroro urged him to go to sleep.

XXX

Kurapika watched the man sleep like a child. He was the one exhausted, but Kuroro showed next to no signs of exhaustion. But when it came to sleep, the man seemed to have a switch of a light bulb at his will.

For all this time, he'd been mostly denying the fact as to what made Kuroro, well, Kuroro. Being born in Ryuuseigai, the city filled with trash. His life had no value to anyone to begin with. And if that information given by an unnamed brother from the church in Baal was anything to go by, Kuroro was an outcast.

Couldn't say he was any different being a Kuruta, but he was he was born into the world with love, nurtured and showered with affection by loving parents. For the first time, he wondered what Kuroro's parents were like, if they had been parents to him at all or just a person giving birth to him and left him…to die alone in a place so short of resources for everyone, much less one.

The lack of what was given to him could be attributed to the lack of what the man could offer to the world.

In the face of that, he knew Kuroro never took those factors into account as the consequence to whom he had become today. He didn't describe himself by his past; only the present mattered to him. If anything, he referred to Ryuuseigai as a place filled with endless…something.  _There was always something in the ruins._ Kurapika almost scoffed at the idea the Spider leader could be an optimist.

 _Living in the moment_ , Kuroro was the best epitome of that aspect.

Some wiseman said only a broken man seeks to destroy others. Although Kuroro never took himself for a broken man. He barely spoke about his past, but he'd long-established there was no bad history, bad past or whatsoever; every obstacle in life to him outlined as some stumbles and lessons to learn. But Kurapika couldn't say he was any different, if he sought justice with the Spiders.

Kuroro shifted closer. Surely he must have already been asleep, yet the hand holding his tightened the slightest bit. Soon after, he squeezed Kuroro's hand back.

He caught the smile form on the man's face before he drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kurapika was one to read a lot, ever since he was at young age. For all kinds of books he mingled himself with, histories, cultural anthropology and philosophy were his top preferences. Little by little, most of its content sank into him that everything would change and transform in the end. Nothing in the world was ever left the same.

Against his will, a part of him tapped onto the idea that his hatred might not last, but he didn't explore into it. Didn't want to…as of now.

Seeing his friends even brought that idea to more concrete terms. Like Gon, who's bubbly nature was once his constant trait, or so Kurapika had thought." Unlike their regrouping the first time in York Shin, the two boys had matured. This time, it was a complete difference. Just by looking, he knew Gon and Killua had been through much more than ordinary kids their age could possibly handle. When Leorio asked, it seemed none of them would like to recount what they had been through these past months in NGL.

More than once, among the days they spent together, Kurapika caught that look on Killua's face, of the concealed worry when he looked at Gon. The former assassin was sharp, as always. He must have noticed his observing look that he directed the attention back to Kurapika the third time he was caught.

"So," Killua dragged his voice out as he glanced at Kurapika with interest. "How is it like living with that Danchou guy?"

On the coffee table they were gathering in the hotel's room at nighttime, all eyes were set on him. Under normal circumstances, Kurapika was unaffected under anyone's gaze, he'd been through much worse, standing firm in the presence of the Mafia and even professional assassins. These here were his most trusted friends, the ones he felt most comfortable with. Perhaps it was their inquisitive looks regarding the matter…on his life with said Danchou.

Under the look of present interest, he could see the concern behind them especially from Gon and Leorio. Another thought crossed him. Had his life not turned out his way, was there any chance he'd be  _blessed_ with these three at all?

He was not one to believe in fate, not entirely at least. Unlike Kuroro, that guy could go days on end waffling about fate. But he couldn't pass most things off as coincidence either.

"Hey, Kurapika. Back to earth!"

"I don't think his mind is up in the clouds, his mind must be on that Danchou guy."

"Really?"

He blinked out of his thoughts. Well, he wasn't that gone, was he? He heard everything they said.

"Missing him already?" Killua sniggered as he reached for the chips on the coffee table and popped it into his mouth.

"Really?" Gon asked again, quipping his head to Kurapika, eyes wide with wonder.

"You're spending time with us now. Focus!" Leorio complained, pointing an accusing finger at him.

It was like nothing had changed at all. The two kids had him concerned for a while, but really. He should have known that they'd come through.

Despite the concern for one another, none of them really shared their experiences in the past months, save for Leorio. He made himself their best lighthearted entertainment, recounting of what antics he had been through during his time as a Med student.

They couldn't be happier for his upcoming plan of studying abroad. For someone Kurapika and Killua defined as the 'not too bright type' (much to Leorio's mortification), Kurapika really had no doubt Leorio too would surpass all that.

It was only in the last few days of their vacation that they learned Gon was going back to Whale Island while Killua would travel the world with his sister, Alluka. While it wasn't exactly his place to question their paths, the two kids were known to be 'inseparable.' It just felt off hearing Gon and Killua were parting ways. Despite both of them saying that it 'might be for a while,' their voices were uncertain. After all, no one knows the future.

' _Things don't always go the way we want, Kurapika. Not everything is set in stone.'_ Kuroro's words came back to him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

After Kuroro got his business done with a tailor suit shop and a flower shop, he headed to his next destination, the church.

Standing in front of said construction, he absentmindedly felt the bandage wrapped around his forehead. No sooner had he made sure it was secured, that the thought came to him. He didn't particularly hate the church. It was the people in them, some people.

Kurapika flitted across his mind, then again, since when did the boy not occupy his mind? Kuroro almost scoffed at the idea.  _'I guess it's only fair, if for the past 5 years, all he's been thinking is about me…regardless of how we've never met.'_ Now the boy was trying to move on. If Kuroro was rooting for that, it should be the time he followed his own advice too.

Yet he decided against letting go of his bandage. Wasting time with unnecessary hassle should this church choose to have an issue with his birthmark (under the name of tattoo), was the last thing he needed.

Better to reserve his patience for Kurapika.

To him, being good to Kurapika was almost simple, save for his moral codes that could be handful at times. The boy handled his personal worst misconduct, yet there came a day Kurapika treated him like a decent human being, so giving Kurapika the best of what he could be came by nature. He wasn't sure with the other way around though. He didn't think he had faced Kurapika's worst. Even if he did, he'd deserve it.

He had taken from the boy enough, was hated enough. It didn't surprise him when Kurapika still refused to accept the validity of his emotions, to a certain extent.

Albeit he could still feel his Judgment Chain binding his heart. It had been there so long Kuroro already felt like it was a part of him. As weird as it was, he no longer minded it. It meant they were connected in some way.

As he walked up the stairways, he noticed something off. There was someone. Yet he continued to make his way into the church, wheels already spinning for answers. His first thought regarded Kurapika. But the boy was not here, anyone after his eyes were ruled out. It didn't take him long to know who it was.  _'Of course, it'd be him.'_

_How could he expect the jester to leave him alone in peace?_

They were so nice to him, like a saint. He came for business (under the name of a charitable man), of course they would be. Everytime it got him to wonder how different it would be if he walked in with his tattoo being seen and the inverted cross on the back of his coat.

As he stepped out of the church, he no longer caught on the observing eyes. His phone rang off.

"Lucifer, when are you coming back?"

"…"

"We need you."

"I know." He closed his eyes, brows furrowing in thought before he said, "I'm coming home."

After half of his Spiders did their roles, he needed to do his.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Hanareader for beta-reading and supporting for just about everything xD including insightful thoughts, inspiration and drive. 
> 
> Timeframe is slightly different from original manga. Given how my fanfic goes (not to mention it should have been done 6 years ago), I had to disregard the election arc where Gon almost died and Leorio was there. But I tried to conform most of other things to the manga.
> 
> About Kurapika needing to let go, whether he’d be able to do it or not are influenced by two manga(s). One is Hell Teacher Nube, refers to the living’s intense negative emotion (hatred) tying down the receiving end spirit in their death. Another one is YYH (by Togashi himself). In similar fashion, crying and mourning over the death worries the soul and the soul cannot leaves to its afterlife because it keeps worrying about the living. I believe JP. manga has validated source, even though it’s just a belief. In this case, the Kurta are never set free to proceed into their afterlives because Kurapika keeps mourning over them by never letting go and hating Kuroro (and the Spiders).
> 
> I think what I’ve written here is slightly different than what I had years back. I focused on change now given my current POV on life. Let me know what you think? 
> 
> Thanks ;)


	7. From Home to Home I: Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroro and Kurapika made up their minds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Hanareader for beta-reading.

Kurapika held his mobile phone tight after the line went dead.

“Something’s up?” Leorio asked when he noticed Kurapika’s stricken look as he walked back to where Leorio was sitting in the airship’s lounge. “Is it from that Danchou guy!?”

“No.” Kurapika rolled his eyes, taking a seat on the bench next to his friend. Why did his friends have to think everything would be about Kuroro? He breathed out, looking about the vast area of the airship’s cabin. Gon, Killua and everyone else on board had gone to their respective rooms, leaving Leorio and him alone on a bench overlooking the view of the city below under the night sky. No one else would hear about it. So Kurapika spoke, “It’s Senritsu. It’s about…the Kuruta eyes.”

After a moment of surprise, Leorio asked, “What of it?”

“My other colleague, Bashou came across a clue that might lead to the people in possession of the Kuruta eyes. Senritsu helped check, the information is pretty valid.”

“Well, that’s good, isn’t it? So what’s the problem?” Leorio said with brightened smile, soon transformed into a slight frown as he realized. “Oh, it’s that Danchou guy, isn’t it? I take it that he’d only work with you, right?”

There was a sour tone in Leorio’s voice Kurapika couldn’t quite get the measure of. But he passed it off as the scratchy feeling about his whole ordeal with the Spider leader. He nodded, eyes looking out the window. “I don’t know how Kuroro would take it if I work with Bashou and Senritsu. It’d require going away from him for a long time too. I doubt he’d come along.”

“Do you think you could regain back all the eyes with his help?”

He shook his head right away. “He could have meant it when he said he’d help. But after that last failed attempt, I’ve no wonder his link to what were once under his possessions are long gone.” Leorio’s eyes dropped to his hands resting on the window sills. It was then he realized he was fisting, saying those words. He let out a breath, calming his nerves and pushing the past back to where it belonged. “He’d get Shalnark to help and that guy is very resourceful, I’d give him that. But still…”

“You can’t be too sure?” Leorio took a wild guess.

“That too. I can’t be too sure with anything if I were relying on someone else. Kuroro likes for me to rely on him, but I hate that. With Senritsu and Bashou, I know they’d give me the lead and I’d work things off on my own.” Come to think of it, he hadn’t asked for their help but they knew he was in search of the eyes. Apart from his three friends, he happened to meet such kind colleagues too.

“And the thing is…they’re still the Spiders.”

By the look of complete understanding on Leorio’s expression, he was saved from further explanation.

Leorio turned to look outside the window, his face took on a pondering air. “Still, I wonder. Where is that guy going with this? Despite how your relationship with him…developed to this point, how much he’d changed and how much you’ve changed...” He took care to speak slow, as if treading on dangerous ground. His mistrust in Kuroro was still palpable, same went with his concern for Kurapika. “What is his ultimate goal?”

“I…barely understand his motives myself.” Kurapika responded. In retrospect, he had wanted the man to stop killing, stop his wrong doings. Now that he thought about it, why would his heart want something his head knew he’d never get? Having spent time with the Spider leader after that Mafia incident had convinced him of one thing.

That Kuroro Lucifer was a rock at best, selfish at worst.

He had no moral convictions. Anyone could blame it on him being a Ryuuseigai citizen. Kurapika wouldn’t deny Machi’s remark when she commented Kuroro had a VIP seat in Kurapika’s moral class. Despite all the lesser bloodshed on Kuroro’s part, his killing spree was most likely unchangeable. He’d still do it should Kurapika turn his back or end up being out of his sight. Damn sneaky bastard, he might as well be killing somebody now.

Still he hoped. Had the decency to hope that one day said bastard would contribute his sophisticated capabilities for something far greater than the role of bandit.

To answer to Leorio’s question, he said, “I think…he’s attempting to earn my trust.” It was a partial answer to what he could come up with. The whole part of it was left omitted; not ready to be brought out front.

“Do you trust him?”

“Yes.” His answer was fast, but he wished it was that simple. “For the most part.”  

They were still the Spiders…his sworn enemies, former or not.

He still couldn’t. His brain was working on it, but his heart wasn’t in it…entirely.

 “So your mind is made up?” Leorio asked, face lit with a hopeful look for the answer he was rooting for.

“Yeah. Just have to come up with something to convince him.”

 

…………….

 

On the day Kurapika bid his friends farewell and went back to Kuroro, he felt the uncertainty of it all again, standing in front of the shabby apartment room where the man texted the location. The agitation was still there, although he felt calmer than ever, thanks to his friends. Yet when the door to the room was opened after a knock, revealing Kuroro Lucifer on the other side of it, his heart felt lighter than it had ever been.

What entailed his mental state making a significant improvement was a moment of his mind blanking out. Kuroro just leaned his head on the door frame, smiling that amused smile, most likely at his reaction, or lack thereof. Only when Kurapika fell back to his old habit of huffing (reduced from a daggered glare) at him, did Kuroro step back to let him in.

Upon seeing Kuroro’s back turn to him, so unguarded to him like always, Kurapika had no idea what compelled him to reach out and grab the hem of the man’s black shirt. Before Kuroro could turn back to look at him, pausing in his mid-stride, Kurapika let his forehead lean onto the man’s back. Without even looking, he could see the surprised look on the other’s face.

All the jokes Killua made about him always thinking of Kuroro turned out to be…true, for better or for worse.  

“Missed me?”

Despite the firm tone, Kurapika caught on to that teeny tiny uncertainty in it. He gave a nod against Kuroro’s back.

“Me too.” The tone changed, to that of the self-satisfaction that was so much like the Spider leader.

That was when Kurapika drew back, catching himself. Kuroro turned to face him, the soft smile still on his face. He led Kurapika into the living area and gestured for him to sit, asking, “Tea?”

He nodded at the offer and sat himself down on the worn out single couch, elbowing the bag off of his shoulder, while Kuroro made him tea. Soon after Kuroro joined him on another single couch opposite to him, separated by a small coffee table. He mumbled his ‘thanks,’ the wheels in his mind already spinning how this was like coming back home to an unlikely companion.

“Did you have fun?” Kuroro asked an obvious question, settling down with a coffee for himself.

“Uhhh…yeah…yes, of course,” Kurapika found himself stumbling over his words. His memories of Pairo were acting up again. From Kuroro to ask the question Pairo would have asked him. If only he were here. He took a sip, hoping the tea would calm his nerves.

“I’d like to travel with you too, sometimes.”

At the idea offered, Kurapika mid-paused putting down the tea on the table. He blinked up at the man, a light confused frown on his face. “You don’t call what we’re doing now traveling?” his frown went deeper when he caught on that look again. That fleeting, dejected look on Kuroro’s’ face which he didn’t bother to hide it this time.

The dark grey eyes dropped to the mug of coffee held in his hands. “It depends…whether you’re having fun or not.”

 _Oh._ Kurapika didn’t even need to think. It had gotten better, with Kuroro. But still…of course not.  The conflict showed on his face.

Like how Kuroro had always been, he didn’t dwell. His posture perked up again when he said. “So…after all the Kuruta eyes are retrieved, would you consider traveling with me? Out there are places filled with historical sites and old texts I’m sure would cater to your interests. I’d like to visit and re-visit, with you.”

“…uh… ” He said with uncertainty, gaze dropping to the coffee table between them. It was no longer about traveling with the mortal…former enemy, but the vacation had no place in his plan, or mind. Kuroro seemed to understand what was going on in his head when he gave yet another reminder.

“Live.”

“…yeah,” he mumbled, Pairo and his family would have wanted that. He…would have wanted that. With that thought, he lifted his resolved gaze to the grey eyes and gave a firm nod. Maybe he was smiling too. “Yeah, sounds good.”

“Thank you,” Kuroro responded, letting his eyelids fall shut in contentment.

Kurapika thought this thank your from the Spider leader could mean a lot of things than the man let on. _A trust? A promise? A change?_ Like some other things, it was a question he’d put off for another day.

The room sank into a short silence when Kurapika took his surroundings in. A rented, shabby apartment, that was what it was. This one question was easy to deliver, so he questioned. “I’ve been wondering. Why stay at abandoned and shabby places when you can afford a 5-star hotel? Not encouraging you to spend robbed money, I’m just…curious.” He made sure to accentuate his unapproved opinion and realized. “Or does all the money go to Ryuuseigai still? Considering the amount of junk thrown there and how the citizens accept all, money would never be enough.”

Kuroro blinked and put his coffee down on the table, “You’re partly right, but like I said before. I gave them what I don’t need anymore. So please don’t give me that look, I’m not a frigging Robin Hood.”

The mental image had Kurapika choke on a laugh and earned himself a fond smile from Kuroro.

“On top of that, it’s the closest thing to home. I don’t want to forget my origin. Who I really am…” Kuroro trailed of, sounding hesitant and firm at the same time.

That caught Kurapika’s interest. Most people couldn’t wait to leave behind their poverty once they could afford wealth. This one was different.

“Then who are you?” It was the very same question he asked back in York Shin.

“The Spider?” The man cocked his head, looking all innocent.

Kurapika’s eyes narrowed, annoyed. “That was an answer from when you were still a total _douchebag_.”

Kuroro laughed, making him wonder when was it that the Spider leader’s laughter no longer grated on his nerves. In fact, it was having an unexpected opposite effect.

“Sorry I was a douchebag; didn’t really like you back then.” Kuroro apologized after he got a hold of himself. “All those are past tense by now.” He said, smiling to himself of the memories.

As much as it was unneeded, Kurapika measured the sincerity of those words. Kuroro had meant it, if he decided. His apology extended as far back to when they met. For now, it was good enough. He closed his eyes, responding. “Apologies accepted.”

“Okay…” After Kuroro nodded, he inclined forward but his eyes directed to his left. “My honest answer is still the ‘Spider.’ I thought that’s all I could ever be. Without the Genei Ryodan, I’m…just a nobody.”

Kurapika gawked. That was most uncharacteristic of the man who held such powerful authority, specialized skills and all that were needed to be something…more. And the way Kuroro said it had him looking so…humble, so unlike the stuck-up Spider leader he once knew.

The idea added up to Kuroro’s point of him having no value as the hostage back then. Didn’t even see himself as a person, but of the Spider’s limbs.

Those grey eyes homed in on Kurapika. “Been thinking for a while. I’m quite … jealous of you.”

“Excuse me?”

“You and your purpose.” Kuroro wore that amused smile he always had. “Even if you sway, it only lasts for a few days or much less. You get back on your feet again. If resolution were an art form, you’d be the master.”

Kuroro Lucifer, the Spider leader admitted jealousy to him?

Kurapika had no response. Conflicted, that was for sure. His purpose was fueled by the determination for vengeance. In a way, Kuroro had a hand in creating what Kurapika had become. If this was a compliment at all, it was sick. Yet looking at the man now, the anger that should be there just backed down and…died out.

Funny how humility could put any fire out, even ones burning with rage like him. Kurapika was aware of this, yet he’d allow it.

“Yeah? I think one of my purposes is already…swayed.” He too admitted, looking surprised himself just as much as Kuroro.

“You’re not the only one.” Kuroro said with a slow smile. He turned sideways and mumbled with a hand on his lips, “Ah, but in my case, it wasn’t even a purpose, just a plan…just a precaution.” Once he turned back to Kurapika, his face brightened, “I guess we’re on equal footing then?”

Said a man who used to declare he had all the leverage needed against him.

“And even without what had happened to you…what I did back then. I know you’d still be someone with a strong sense of purpose.” Unlike Leorio taking caution when he treaded this line of conversation, Kuroro spoke in a neutral air, yet there was humility oozing off of it. It relaxed their nerves.

Those words brought back Kurapika’s original purposes back before his clan’s massacre. To become a scholar, to find a doctor to cure Pairo’s health condition and to see the outside world. When he obtained a Hunter profession, he’d be a Blacklist hunter. Yeah, he was pretty adamant about them alright.

How come the conversation focused on him again? He realized, of course Kuroro wanted to know more about him. But he decided this road had to run both ways, even more so he needed to learn to be true to his feelings. He steered the conversation back towards Kuroro. “What about you? Your life’s purpose?”

“You.” The man said, his clasped hands pointing fingers at him.

Why was this about him again? And Kurapika half-heartedly refused the thought provoking to what Kuroro meant by that. That _‘Key to unlock oneself’_ thing he mentioned back then had only been cracked halfway, if he even cracked it at all. Uncomfortable, he rubbed the back of his head and settle for a glare. While at it, one thing slowly dawned on him. He’d once wished for Kuroro to stop killing; that trait was unchangeable.

Thing was, he found Kuroro being good to him while being ruthless to the rest of the world (save for Ryuuseigai and his Spiders) was unacceptable.

Kurapika started, “I don’t need-”

“I know.” The man interjected.

He blinked and frowned.

“I know you don’t need me,” Kuroro said, looking away again, his face crestfallen.

 _‘Holy hell, what brought on about this?_ ’ Kurapika almost blurted. Seeing that happy-go-lucky alter ego of his was one thing, seeing an unexpected gloomy Kuroro was another.

“I wasn’t going to say that.” He corrected, “Was going to say I don’t need your protection.”

“I know,” Kuroro looked back at him, expression slipped into a blank one.

 _‘What the heck?_ ’ Mildly annoyed, Kurapika managed his neutral tone. “What are you getting at?”

The man opened his mouth, but closed it after. His eyes set off to sideways again as he leaned back on the cushion, his hand came on his lips in contemplative gesture. He closed his eyes, frown pinching. “Forget it.”

Had he been the man of six months ago, he would have been more than willing to drop it. But here and now, he couldn’t. _Was it about him neglecting Kuroro’s purpose (of keeping him safe), or the lack thereof (his own purpose)?_ Kuroro’s disconsolation was affecting him…bad. Kurapika’s eyes widened as he caught onto these lines of thought.

Of course, he cared about this bastard, more than he would put out front.

Lately, he found Kuroro was becoming more unpredictable. Back when he was just the Spider leader to Kurapika, he was one person, whom Kurapika could somewhat read, to some extent. Now it was not that … simple. Unsure of what to say, he called “Kuroro.”

The man responded to his call, slowly turning back at him. He gave Kurapika a forced smile. “It’s…really nothing. I was just…frustrated, maybe.”

“About having no real purpose?” Kurapika tried. When Kuroro gave a tentative nod, something told him it was again, only half the truth.

Kuroro looking uncertain was so out of place.

Kuroro leaned forward again, sitting with his elbows on his knees, grey eyes lingering at his coffee mug on the table. “I look at the world and myself and think this is all I am, a thief roaming freely, to get things I want for myself. I am content. That was before I met you, before I knew you. Seeing you and your purpose everyday made me realize what I’ve been doing might have disconnected me from this world more than connect to it. Pointless, given that no material objects ever satisfied me long enough.” He paused with hands clenched under his chin. His face washed blank, asking himself, “Why did I even want…things…now I can’t even tell. And…” He didn’t meet his eyes saying all this and left it unfinished.

 _‘And when he came up with one purpose, he is neglected of that.’_ Kurapika gathered. This was too unreal for him.

For a man who’d taken everything from him, to end up wishing for the only thing only Kurapika could offer. Maybe the universe had its twisted way of bringing justice to the Spider leader without the need to end his life.

Twisted, that was what it was.

“You made me realize how a man lacking absolute purpose -like me- could only end up being a mediocre to this world. My existence matters to a lesser extent than I think it does.” Kuroro said, looking straight to Kurapika’s eyes this time.

“Are you…” Kurapika thought fast about those words. “Kuroro Lucifer is having existential crisis?”

Kuroro cracked a crooked smile. “It’s nothing new for Ryuuseigai’s citizen.” In a brief movement, he lifted his hand and placed it on where his heart would be. “You asked me about my name before. It was nothing than a mere name I picked out from some book I’ve read. I have nothing to begin with, not even a name. There are times I wonder who I really am.”

Bewildered, Kurapika’s lips parted. This man in front of him was full of doubts, full of questions himself. The total opposite of the Spider leader at their first meeting. He’d shown this vulnerable side of him, if that was one. This Kuroro was so open, partly ambiguous by his incompetence of linking his motives to verbal communication.

Behind that stoic demeanor was just a bundle of contradictions.

Before any thoughts could take him further, he moved. With few purposeful strides, he made it to the man’s side and placed himself on the couch’s armrest. Kuroro looked up at him, surprised and amused. He reached down to place his hand over one of Kuroro’s own and spoke.

“What the heck are you saying, you’re Kuroro. Who gives a shit no one gave you a name when you could get one yourself. Reading is your life. You read just about anything but your favorites are philosophy, history, psychology, archeology and anthropology. You read about the dark arts, the paranormal and the unsolved mysteries of the world on occasion and you mull over them. On that note, books about business can put you to sleep on its preface. You can eat just about anything, even the expired food and say it’s still edible, but you’re very picky about how your coffee and pudding taste, especially if you find them too sweet for your liking. You travel in your pastime and you like just about anything man-made and nature-made. You prefer travelling by train especially by the old locomotives because you like the smell of woods. Speaking of woodsy smells, you like sniffing at old books for said scent. Cats fascinate you by their unpredictable behaviors. You dislike housework and cleaning up because you’re too lazy and you can live with dust bunnies and cobwebs like they’re your constant companions. Although you’re not really bothered you dislike loud and crowded places. How can you not know about yourself? You’ve been spending 27 years with him. I don’t think you’re that clueless. I could go on and on but I’d rather cut it short. Point is you are your own person, not just some expendable part of the Spiders. At least, 12…no, 13 actual people can validate that for you… And your purpose...it’s in-”

No sooner than he finished his longest observation he ever made to Kuroro, he yelped when hands snatched him by the waist. Next thing he found himself in Kuroro’s arms and on his lap. The man buried his chin on the crook of his neck. There was no room for Kurapika to move, so he stayed. His hand found Kuroro’s shirt to grab on. If anything, the arms around him tightened. They were closer than they ever were. Of course, he realized the fact that he initiated the touch this time. Yet feeling a little awkward, he felt the need to break the silence.  

“Seriously though, don’t even take my word for it. They’re just my observation. Maybe it’s not even who you really are. Do you really want to allow your birthplace or someone else to dictate or validate who you are?”

“I’d allow you.” Kuroro’s lilt voice was right next to his ear. “I don’t mind if it were you, I once thought I could fit into any personality needed for different circumstances. Being a Danchou, being anyone else. I guess…I’m even trying to find myself through you. I might as well have developed this new identity around you.”

“You’re still a bastard to me though,” Kurapika commented, his voice muffled. Said bastard’s arm was still keeping him in place. _‘Just a better version of bastard’_ He kept that last part to himself.

“I’d take that too,” he spoke between chuckles.

“… and a brat too!” Kurapika added as he half-heartedly tried to break free.

“I want nothing else…but this,” Kuroro mumbled against his hair.

His words deterred Kurapika’s attempt to get himself out of Kuroro’s arms. Did he just sound somewhat broken? The grip on him loosened and Kuroro drew back, looking right at him now. He looked broken too.

“Kurapika. I know I promised to keep looking for the flame-colored eyes until we’ve retrieved all of them but…duty calls. I’m afraid I have to put off our plan.”

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

His statement followed by their mutual agreement had gone better than he expected, so then why was he feeling worse?

At some point, he realized Kurapika didn’t need him to search for the eyes. In the beginning, he might have, but not anymore. The boy was as capable on his own and he had other helping hands.

Of course Kurapika would prefer this turn of events. For him to be off on his own, rather than with his family’s murderer, no matter their current bond. Kuroro might have found what he had been looking for; didn’t mean it wanted to stay with him. Didn’t mean he could keep it.

Kuroro sank back into the couch, staring at the stained wall in front of him. The only thing that kept his mind from a total space off was the faint sound of running water from the shower with Kurapika in there, after their conversation was done.

The feelings he had right about now reminded him of his past self, somewhere far in the distant past. After all these years of blunting his emotions, all crumbled down just because of one boy. If he were to be honest with himself, he didn’t want to go back to being one emotional baggage. That was how he’d put it; despite his emotions and feelings made about one sixth of a normal human being, according to his Spiders. He wanted to be able to regulate his negative emotions like he did before Kurapika stepped into his life.

Still, Kurapika was just really something he’d break his own rules for. His earlier admissions to the boy on his self-worth were true, but how he felt about it and showed to the boy was not…entirely. He just wanted to see how the boy would react, wanted some initiatives from him.

 _Really?_ He ridiculed himself. He wanted Kurapika to coddle him, even just a little? And the part of him wishing to beat his emotions into submission, not the other way round, was also valid.

 _‘Guess it won’t be long now until I get back to that version of me.’_ He thought to himself, pinching his eyebrow. When he heard the bathroom door open, followed by closing footsteps, his neutral expression fell into place.

“I’m surprised it’s a perfect fit, even the shoes.” Kurapika commented, fiddling with the calf of his shirt under the layer of his black suit, looking unaccustomed to wearing it. He looked up to an approaching Kuroro and asked, “How did you-?”

“I measured your size by my naked eyes.” He supplied and chuckled when Kurapika’s eyes went wide but he was unbothered. He reached out to smooth the fabric on Kurapika’s suit lapel and adjust his shirt collar, liking the way Kurapika’s eyes followed his movements without any protest. Then gave the boy a once over and commented with satisfaction. “Looking sharp.”

Kurapika held his gaze for a short while before saying, “Thank you...for this. It’s very-” He paused, seemingly having a hard time getting the next word out until Kuroro cocked his head to the side, curious, did he complete the saying. “-considerate of you.”

And for once in all the time they were together, he left out the question as to whether something given to him was stolen or not.

Kuroro didn’t mind, he knew where the boy was coming from. He secured a headband on and said, “So, shall we?”

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

The sun was setting on the horizon when they commuted to the church by foot, on the footpath of busy street.

“36 people,” Kuroro said as they neared the church entrance.

“What?” Kurapika asked, his voice edgy. The number must have struck a chord but the match was a coincidence.

“The pedestrians that looked at you with interest for the last 20 minutes,” Kuroro explained, steering Kurapika to the small patio in front of the construction. They still had a little more time before the schedule Kuroro made with the church.

The blond frowned at him but kept his voice neutral. “Your point?”

“What do you think?” Kuroro returned. As smart as he was, the kid had got to know.

“Wasn’t it you they were looking at?”

Or not. Maybe this wasn’t his field. Kuroro then revealed his past record. “36 people is much less than over a hundred people looking at you when you walk around with your tribal clothes sometimes back there. Of course it has to do with your appearance and how you carry yourself too. _You_ stand out.”

Kurapika gaped at him, frowning in disbelief. “Have I…not known you better, I’d say you’re hallucinating.”

Said boy who _once_ had a hallucination himself. Kuroro pressed his palm against the side of his head, looking off to the street briefly before turning his attention back to the boy. “Okay. People looking at you with interest is definitely out of your scope. Point is … I know you’re proud of your heritage. And when you’re away from me, you’d probably go back to wearing your tribal clothes. But may I persuade you wear casual suit from now on? It’ll blend you in anywhere. Despite little people knowing about your tribal clothes, I’d hate to think the little information could give away that you’re a survivor.”

“Actually, that’s a good idea.” Kurapika eyes turned thoughtful. A breathe later, he confirmed with a nod to Kuroro. “Yeah, I’d do that.”

As if he were trying to lessen Kuroro’s concern, being so compliant. Was the boy seeing right through him? _So unlike back there, he’d head butt him down to every little thing._

“Good,” Kuroro exhaled a contented sigh, squeezing the boy’s arm for a brief moment. Then he gestured the boy into the church.

 

XXXXXXXXX

 

“Kuroro…I…”

After lighting the last candle, Kuroro turned upon his name called. The two of them were left alone for their…Kurapika’s funeral business after the public visiting time was over at 5pm. Kurapika fixed his eyes on him with an unreadable gaze. He thought he saw a reflection of red but it could have been the lights from all the candles and the settings.

“Is this…alright?” Kuroro asked. Part of him had become a bundle of nerves when it came to the boy. Aggravating the boy was the last thing on his mind these days, he already had enough fun back there. Contrary to what his comrades believed, he wasn’t trying to please the boy either. He just did what he wanted…like he had done all along.

“Are you for real? Kuroro…” The boy murmured, his eyes glassy. “I don’t even know what to say. All these…”

All these…he meant one corner of the chapel with three small sitting Marias on the ornamented wall, stood the canisters containing five pair of flame-colored eyes, surrounded by decorated Gladiolus flowers and candles. The only church available itself was rather small, therefore it wasn’t much, or so Kuroro thought but it was his best effort.

“When you said you’d already prepared everything…I wasn’t expecting-” Kurapika trailed off, eyeing about them.

He took in the boy’s behavior, his eyebrows raised. “Well, what’s a funeral without flowers and candles.”

“Why would you do all this?”

 _‘Oh, here it comes again.’_ Kuroro thought with dry humor. How he dreaded the anticipation of having to answer to Kurapika. He stayed rooted to his spot, it was Kurapika who closed in on him. His eyes searching him with intense gaze, like the many times he did before upon seeking answers. Was he expecting some sort of specific answer?

Kuroro only had one to offer, an honest one.

“Kurapika, I’m beyond repentance,” he admitted with a bland smile, feeling the weight of his own words to his core. “The point of a funeral is to help you find your peace. It’s not for the deceased. Only when it comes to you, I just want to-” He paused for the briefest moment, looking for the most accurate word to explain his motive. “-give.”

The last time he answered to this sort of question in a somewhat similar situation, he earned himself Kurapika’s fist straight in the face. So he waited…even let his eyelids fall shut.

What he received this time round was completely unthinkable. A soft, warm sensation of what must have been Kurapika’s lips on his right cheek, followed by a firm ‘thank you.’

…

A sharp intake of breath was audible. He realized only a few seconds after…was that him? When he opened his eyes, Kurapika was backing away from him, looking flustered all over. Kuroro caught onto his arms before the boy could turn away. His eyes held a tint of orange, closing to a bit of red. And a faint red was on his cheeks. Kurapika looked anywhere but at him.

Did that really happen? Or did he have a knack for hallucination too?

One hand refusing to let the boy go and one hand brought up to his right cheek where he felt the boy peck him a moment earlier. Kurapika’s eyes followed his move, his face had gone from pink to red. That confirmed it for Kuroro. _It happened._

Unlike the many times his words and answers were judged by Kurapika, this Kurapika was free of judgment.

Kuroro couldn’t help himself inching closer, his other free hand catching the boy’s. The boy’s eyes homed in on him like a deer caught in headlights but the lack of physical response encouraged Kuroro’s further move. It was only in the last seconds that Kurapika’s breath hitched, Kuroro realized. But too late to back out now, not that he wanted to too.

It was nothing more than a brush to the corner of Kurapika’s lips. He could feel the boy stiffen. The distant sound of a rattling chain reached his ears but he couldn’t care less.

This was all he ever wanted since finding this “key.” Their distance now reduced to zero.

A moment later, he drew back, and so did Kurapika. Yet his hands remained clasped on the boy’s just to keep him close enough to read him. Kurapika however, didn’t give him the satisfaction of another flustered reaction. Instead he lifted his head and bored an accusatory glare at Kuroro.

“I think…you missed.”

Kuroro froze. For a man who had no qualms interacting with everyone in the world he came across, he hesitated on this one. Did he read the words right? Was this a permission? An invitation? No matter the thoughts that ran across his mind, he was going to find out.

Closing their gap one more time, he pressed his lips on Kurapika’s.

 

Alive.

 

That was the only word Kuroro could define how he felt when both of them pulled back to breathe after Kurapika’s soft whimper. _Whoa._ Every inch of him was feeling too much after having been dead to most human feelings for far too long. No doubt Kurapika must have felt the same way had his eyes turned red the way his face did. Kurapika made a quick move to hide his face in Kuroro’s chest, his small frame flopped against him.

He gave a few strokes on the blond hair before his hands slid down to the boy’s back, giving him the time he needed. He realized one thing. _‘Ah, of course.’_ They were alone. But all these Kuruta eyes were on them, blatantly glaring at what the last Kuruta and the Spider head, the supposedly enemies, were doing. Perhaps Kurapika too, had realized it a little too late, having been too lost in the moment earlier.

This indelible stain on their relationship. How would all the Kurutas think of them was none of Kuroro’s concern, had they really been watching them. But, how would Kurapika think they would think of them was what he was starting to worry right about now. Kuroro was only told his family insisted Kurapika to ‘let go and live.’ Nothing more.

Would they approve of him? Of this relationship? The thoughts occurred only for his amusement, he did believe in the afterlife after all.

Kurapika’s small movement pulled him out of his thoughts.  It seemed like the boy had gathered himself. “Kurapika.” He said to encourage him and loosen his hands on the boy’s back, allowing him to slowly stand up straight. The look on the boy’s face relieved him of any stress he had earlier.

Yes, stress…

A mix of many emotions were on the boy’s face, but none of them as bad as Kuroro would have feared. Guilt was one of them, it was to be expected from someone like him. Still, the fading red and all the other feelings on his face spoke volumes about having no regret of what he just did...or allowed it to happen to him.

“Hey, don’t look so stressed out. I’m not going ballistic over…this.”

 _Oh._ Did he? Had it shown on his face? Apparently it must have been, for Kurapika himself to give him the reassurance.

Without doubt, his words loosened that slight clench on Kuroro’s chest. He nodded in acknowledgement. When the boy’s eyes strayed off to his left and back to him, he understood. “I’ll leave you to it then. You have until 7PM. Here.” He handed Kurapika a lighter, just in case any candle lights went off.

“Appreciate it,” the boy said with a small smile. “I’ll see you then.”

Another opening for him to ponder on. With a smile, Kuroro left the boy to his business.

 


	8. From Home to Home II: Departure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroro confessed...

During the funeral, Kurapika ignored a call from Leorio. Nothing could be more important than his time with his people now.

When 7PM rolled around, Kuroro showed up to help him pack the eyes up and clear all the set up. They thanked the church service provider. All the while, Kurapika couldn’t help his agitation when Kuroro and the brother engaged in a short friendly conversation. Friendly!

Kurapika already went through a minute of panic when the Spider leader spoke of having everything ready for the funeral at the church. The last time they stepped into a church, things went downhill, fast. Kuroro assured he stood by his words, no one was hurt and the service was paid.

Like everything he paid for when Kurapika was in the picture. Stolen money or not, at least the thief paid. All the things Kuroro did for him…

Once they stepped out, Kurapika felt a load lighter. The funeral gave him one more step to his peace of mind. And of course, leaving the church with Kuroro without any blood spill. The outside air was a little chilly, but the custom suit Kuroro gave him kept him warm enough, Kuroro’s arm even warmer. Wasn’t the first time the man put his arm around him.

“Hmm?” Kurapika blinked upon seeing a grey sedan in the small parking lot as Kuroro indicated this was their ride.

“I feel like driving, if you don’t mind?” Kuroro said, leaning on the car’s roof and looking expectantly at him from the other side of the car.

He must have gone and rented it somewhere during that one hour Kurapika was in the funeral. He noticed there was something about this car as he answered, “Okay, why not?”

When they got into the car, Kurapika looked about the interior and it was confirmed the model was the exact one he had Leorio drove when they captured the Spider head. After inserting a key and igniting the engine, Kuroro flicked him a knowing grin. Kurapika cussed through gritted teeth “Bastard.”

To curse with spite but feel a smile on his face felt odd.

Kuroro laughed, heartfelt. “Brings back memories, huh?”

The nerve of him. “Yeah, I feel like punching you all over again.”

Kuroro hummed and took the car off. “Please refrain yourself for your safety. I’m driving.”

Kurapika ended up punching anyway. A light one, on the man’s shoulder, earning himself another laugh from Kuroro.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Felt like driving was an understatement, given they spent less than half an hour ion the car. The bridge with all the colors of lights at night were worth the time. Kuroro had pulled over once they crossed to the other side. Now they were some 66 meters up high on the top of the tower bridge built on piers, in courtesy of Kuroro’s call.

With the view they settled for, up on the walk way connected by two robust towers, Kurapika no longer minded the man’s insistence that they monkey their way up here. Hopefully no one spotted them hanging about after the closing hours (and without having purchased tickets) to alert an authority.

Apart from the view, Kurapika assumed Kuroro wanted to see how he would manage climbing (and gliding down afterward) after what Kuroro had taught him. Surely the lesson paid off.

They kept their eyes on the city lights in silence, standing side by side and half leaning over the rail. Half a year ago all this close proximity with the Spider leader had driven him mad, physically drained him after. Now it was just comfortable, not as much as with his friends.

But still, if he were to admit, he felt safe.

“Are you sure?” Kuroro trailed off, breaking the silence. When Kurapika turned to him with a ‘hmm?’ he clarified. “Of going off on your own.”

“Of course. We got our own things to take care of. It’s best we don’t waste each other’s time.” There was a note of finality in his tone. He thought it was settled back at the apartment. Kuroro had been the one bringing it up, was he having a second thought? Kurapika hoped not.

“You’re never a waste of my time. A little hindrance or a drawback maybe, but that’s all it is.” Kuroro remarked, looking off to the dark horizon. “Somehow, you’re all about being time-oriented. Even considering you’re only 18. People at your age think they have all the time in the world. I was no different.” He tilted his head to Kurapika, his eyes became intense all of a sudden. “Made me wonder if you think you have little time… _left_.”

Kurapika’s heart hammered underneath Kuroro’s heavy gaze. He retained a straight face, not returning the eye contact. That information had been filed to the back of his mind. Up until now, the consequences were out of his concern. He was too confined within his narrow goal to bring down the Spiders, even prioritizing it before reclaiming his clan’s eyes. Now that his priority among the two goals rearranged themselves, he’d have to rethink on it.

But Kuroro did not need to know about his Emperor Time setback.

“I dislike putting things off.” He stated and it was the truth, too. He needed to direct the conversation back to the man, again. “If anything. I’m glad you found your own purpose.” Here, he returned Kuroro’s look. He meant it.

Kuroro gave him a skeptical look. One of which Kurapika supposed he was having an internal debate whether to let the subject about ‘time’ drop or not. The dark grey eyes strayed sideways, looking uncharacteristically unsure. “Ah, I don’t think it’s really a purpose. More like an obligation.”

“Family obligation,” Kurapika noted, a faint smile formed on his face. “Funny how we have so much in common, even this.” When Kuroro blinked at him, he went on. “Isn’t that what it is? You’re a Ryuuseigai citizen.” He didn’t think Kuroro needed further validation from him. The man should have known how much he’d find this commendable that Kuroro was doing something for his own people.

After the Ants’ invasion was taken care of, Ryuuseigai needed restoration, meaning they needed resources like Kuroro. Kurapika almost found it amusing the man did sort of struggle to bring this up to him, saving him from having to bring his own side of story up himself. Nevertheless, he let him know about the clues to the Kuruta eyes from his friends. As expected, Kuroro found that information displeasing. The Spider asked him to come along to Ryuuseigai first and they’d look for the eyes together, after.

Kuroro let him make a choice, despite that hopeful look. He respected his choice, despite that dejected acceptance.

“I guess so,” Kuroro responded at last, followed by a small sigh. He straightened himself, leaving only one hand fisted loosely on the railing and declared. “I’m letting you go but I’m not letting you go, you get me?”

His face twisted in what seemed like a controlled frustration. Kurapika cocked his head to the side with a questioning look. His words confused him, maybe even to Kuroro himself. But he was all ears when Kuroro attempted to explain himself and Kurapika made it clear of that, encouraging the poor bastard so cut off from a certain kind of communication.

“In the 3 days that you left, I thought a lot about us. I know how my presence affects you. And it’s not just you. It’s bad for me too. I wasn’t aware that I was being too…possessive.” By now, he tore his attention away from his surrounding and faced Kurapika. “I was too busy focusing on you. It drives you further away. We’d need space; it will keep us together…I hope. But still, I don’t want to risk losing you. Completely having you out of my sight is equivalent to that.”

Kuroro’s explanation was a mere contradiction in itself.

“Possessive? Is that how you see it?” Kurapika asked, his eyes slightly widened with wonder. After they had come to terms, Kuroro never ordered him around, unless the situation called for and most of them were for Kurapika’s own good. Kuroro let him go work things out on his own if needed. The one time he could refer to as possessive was Kuroro’s condition of ridiculous time allocation like 80/20 for him and for Nostrad.

On top of all, he never ever violated his boundary. Threaten to do it, yes, on understandable circumstance, maybe. But Kurapika could see the respect, the patience.

“I find you’re more like a selfish brat…or attaching,” Kurapika smirked, looking off to his side. “So don’t worry about it. Even if it is you being possessive, it’s on acceptable level.”

The man instantly brightened, following by his laughter at Kurapika’s comments.

Kurapika had to look away, gazing back on the night sky. “Just so you know, I don’t…want to lose you anymore than you do me.”

Kuroro’s elated features were impossible.

Before Kuroro could make any comment on that, Kurapika spoke. “On that note, do you think you could win Hisoka?” Learning Hisoka had been stalking Kuroro while he was away had been nagging at him a little more than he would have liked. If there was one person who could make him lose Kuroro, he had little doubt it would be anyone else other than Hisoka.

The man looked pensive. “Hmm, I’d say my winning percentage as of now is about 70%. He’s one reason why I need to go back to Ryuuseigai. I’d need more abilities, make my winning a 100% before I give it a go. For someone like Hisoka, there’s no telling what ace he’d have up his sleeve.”

“Yeah, I can relate,” Kurapika commented airily.

Kuroro blinked at him, face all but curious, then transformed into recognition. “You fought him before.”

Kurapika nodded, nonchalant. “Hunter exam.”

The look of wonder filled Kuroro’s features. His voice accentuated with interest as he echoed, “Ah, there’s no wonder. You fought with him before.”

In hindsight, Hisoka was the one leading Kurapika to York Shin, to the Spiders…to Kuroro. At times, Kurapika wondered if all that had happened went according to Hisoka’s plan…and then not, at the end of York Shin. So far, he’d been a major instrument to what had transpired about them. But he’d save the thought for another day. From the look on Kuroro’s face, he must have shared the same sentiment. Otherwise, he’d have asked more.

On that thought, Kurapika drew himself back from leaning on the rail, turning to face Kuroro. “We won’t know how long until we’d meet again. Is there something you’d want to tell me?”

Kuroro blinked at him, before his grin slowly appeared.

That was when Kurapika realized the bastard must have misunderstood. Oh no, the twat was so not talking about this unnamed feeling between them!

“You’d want my confe-”

“No!!!” He cut him off, eyes flashing a moment of red, so did his face. When Kuroro laughed heartily, he knew it. Of course the bastard knew it wasn’t about…this. But he had to go kid about it. Kurapika shut his eyes tight, beating his rising emotions down before saying, “We’re no enemy to anyone so take nothing from us.”

Kuroro blinked again, tilting his head. “Okay, what about that?”

Kurapika breathed, focusing on their conversation, not on the emotional setback threatening him to pick a fight with the Spider all over again. “The message was left at the Kuruta massacre.” He noticed the slightest change in Kuroro’s posture. That had to mean something. “Admittedly…I filed that one information back, too caught up with my goal. I couldn’t see then-” He avoided looking at Kuroro’s searching gaze before gathering the courage to hold eye contact again. “-what I see right now.”

“Kurapika, that’s way back in the past.” Kuroro’s eyes were unreadable, pretty much like the ones on their first meeting, where he gave Kurapika no answer.

“You know, your comradestalk a lot about us.” The oncoming tense air relaxed when Kuroro turned sideways, hands on his lips but not hiding his small smile with a ‘pfft.’ It was somewhat endearing Kuroro found this information and his comrades’ behavior amusing. Then he returned to his current point. “I have a reason to believe they didn’t let me hear it on purpose. They too, wonder why you chose not to tell me the “whole truth.” I could have asked them but I want to hear it from you. What’s the _whole truth_ , Kuroro?”

The man returned his eyes to him, amusement gone, regarding him in silence and responded. “Because it won’t change the fact that-”

“-that you led your Ryodan to the Kuruta’s annihilation?” Kurapika didn’t even need an answer on this one. Kuroro nodded nevertheless. “Damn it, Kuroro.” He tore his eyes away from the man, stepping back and turning his back to the man, attempting but unable to hide his sudden wave of frustration any longer. When he spun back to the silent man again, his voice strained. “It makes a lot of difference! The end does not always justify the means! Sometimes it’s the attempt that counts!”

“Kurapika,” The Spider leader took a step towards him, grabbed one of his arms. The gesture was meant to calm him, maybe. “You’re just looking for some acceptable reasons from me _again_ . You’re looking for something that _isn’t_ there.”

The man’s words might have added fuel to his fire, had it not been the look on Kuroro’s face. He looked…sad.

“Does it really?” His face closed off in thought, closed off from Kuroro. The Spider leader followed his every movement, eyes searching, looking for something to relax the situation or diffuse his antagonism. He could see Kuroro trying, in every way. Resolution came over Kurapika. “Fine. I’ll look for that answer myself. I refuse to believe you don’t have a heart.”

“I didn’t. Before you came along.”

Man was he so damn straight when he wanted to be. Kurapika couldn’t help but gawk, not knowing how to respond to that.

Kuroro closed his eyes with a soft sigh. When he looked at him again, his expression was close to heartfelt. “Can we put this behind us? Kurapika, I don’t want to fight you.”

“Me neither.” Kurapika dropped his glance down to where Kuroro was holding his arm, just recognizing how many times Kuroro had a hold on him without hurting him. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re beyond repentance.” He gave the older man a half-smile, confidence nonetheless. “I’ll see to it.”

Taken aback would be an understatement, Kuroro looked shocked. Kurapika realized his words might have meant a lot of things. One of them could even be a form of forgiveness. Kurapika was not ready to forgive…yet. And Kuroro waited after that initial shock wore off, looking and observing him.

Eyes narrowed, he was beginning to recognize that look. “If you’re expecting a recant, I’ll throw you off this bridge.”

Those dark grey eyes looked startled, not from the threat but from an insistence regarding this matter. Kuroro loosened the grip on him, taking a few steps back. He turned his body away, hand coming up to his chin. The sound from the wind blowing made it impossible for Kurapika to make out what Kuroro was mumbling. He took his cue to wait. Until Kuroro looked back at him, with eyes wide like a hopeful child.

This was one thing Kurapika came to see a lot lately. The feared, indifferent, unfeeling Genei Ryodan leader could be as open and exuberant as a kid at times. This side of Kuroro not shown when he was being a Danchou, shown only to him.

“So you meant it,” he said at last.

“Do I look like the type to joke around?” Kurapika returned, exasperated.

“I am not sure…” Kuroro trailed off, dragging his words through smiling lips. “-what you see in me.” He closed the distance between them again, speaking much slower with a fond smile. “But I _will_ accept all. Your hatred…your lo-”

Words cut short, Kuroro’s mouth was clamped shut with Kurapika’s hands on them. Arms outstretched, Kurapika’s head hung low to hide his burning face from the man. His mind reeled, having a vague assumption of what was about to come out of Kuroro’s mouth. _The nerve of him_! Oddly enough, Kurapika couldn’t find it in himself to hear what Kuroro had to say, even after what they had done in the church, in front of the Kuruta eyes. He’d still prefer this thing between them as an ‘unnamed feeling.’ And the Spider’s snicker wasn’t helping!

The man patted at his hands before tugging at them lightly. Kurapika looked up, giving him a warning look. Kuroro nodded, raising his hands in surrender. Though his eyes looked too complacent for his own good. Kurapika withdrew his hands in hesitation while Kuroro laughed in his throat.

He had to hold back the strong urge not to kick this man off the bridge.

“-So nothing should take you away from me.” He finished it anyway, skipping that one part.

Kurapika just nodded in acceptance. It’d be futileresisting said ‘unnamed feeling’ now, after all of his resistance; it just kept persisting.

“For one thing, I enjoy observing our changes.” Kuroro noted.

Looking back, Kuroro did not change upon Kurapika’s words, or pleas for that matter. To the man so desensitized with other people, that was just a behavioral nudge, and to no avail. In the end, he changed only after learning his unchanged trait driven a rift between them.

He wondered if Kuroro was aware of thisindirect behavioral prompt. If anything, it could very well become a leverage Kurapika could use against him, _if_ he ever needed one. Then he caught himself. This old habit would die hard, his brain would still come up with some ‘kill the Spiders’ instinct. He shook the thought out of his mind.

Of course, someone of Kuroro’s caliber had to be aware of it, yet he was going with it.

“This thing…we have. These feelings.” Kuroro raised a hand above his heart before placing it upon Kurapika’s, setting off another internal alarm. Kuroro’s small smile widened. Of course, the bastard must amuse himself with the thought of how he affected Kurapika’s heart.

He knew they’d been sidestepping the awkward conversation for far too long. And for someone who hated procrastination, he wanted to avoid this one. He made it known with his eyes.

“In all honesty, it bothered me in the beginning, more than you’d ever know.” Kuroro’s facial expression was just … so open.

He blinked at that and his immediate response was a questioning look, his curiosity on the man’s words surpassed his uncomfortable feeling regarding the topic. Had Kuroro ever been bothered by these…feelings, he sure never showed it. All Kurapika had seen was how the man always played if off as cool.

“I was never interested. Even looked down on it. It turns a person into an idiot.” Kuroro said, eyes growing distant, then returning to him. His hand was still on Kurapika’s chest. “But like everything else, once it happened, I accepted it. Not that I could…or would deny it.” He leaned in closer to Kurapika, almost breathing him in. “I’m positive it has a lot to do with you too; wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t you.” Kuroro drew back, along with his hand, placing it back to his chest. “This feeling dominates other feelings in the body.”

Really, were they interpreting, cracking, trying to make sense of this feeling?

Overwhelmed by the amount of admission Kuroro presented to him today, Kurapika was too lost to respond. He would agree the damn feeling swept him off his feet, but he had a good reason, taking into account of his past with the Spiders. Kuroro sharing the difficulty, much lesser or only at some point or not, was beyond him.

His eyes followed the man’s hand where he placed above his heart and one thing occurred to him. Fear of the future and the hesitation were there. But if he were to take another step further of attaining peace not gained by blood and violence…

He lifted a hand, placing it on where Kuroro’s heart would be. “My Nen sword on your heart. I’m not sure how it works but I’ll try to call it off.”

As soon as he said it, the thoughts and fears that followed ran wild in his head in a matter of a split second. From years of accumulated resentment, pent up anger and depression and from all the pessimisms and doubts he collected towards this man, he couldn’t help his brain into rationalizing unwanted assumptions. What if he were a complete fool played by Kuroro Lucifer’s magnificent lies? A manipulation Kuroro planned to reach this moment where Kurapika called his chain, the last leverage, off?

It seemed ridiculous, given Kuroro had given in at Kurapika’s murder attempt, but not impossible. The Spider leader was fearless in the face of death. It could have even been the slight risk he was willing to take to earn Kurapika’s complete trust?

 

What if Kuroro killed him the second he was bound by nothing at all?

 

“NO.” The firm and loud refutation was accompanied by a hand grabbing his and lifting it away, slightly above Kuroro’s chest.

He looked up at the man, still processing of what he’d just heard. Kuroro looked determined, for what was beyond Kurapika. His mind a few paces behind Kuroro, needed a few moments to catch up. Then…what? A refusal? Why would he not want to be free of his Nen chain? Even if Kurapika’s recent ludicrous assumption wasn’t the case. What in the world...

“Leave it the way it is,” Kuroro stated. “It doesn’t bother me, doesn’t affect me in anyway. Killing you is the last thing on my mind now, if not long gone already. I believe we’ve already established that, Kurapika.”

Lost for words, Kurapika opened and closed his mouth. He expected his deep frown communicated enough. _What the heck, Kuroro?_

Kuroro looked at him, glanced towards the horizon and returned to look at him, apparently in that _‘I don’t know how to put my motives into words’ again_. In the following seconds, he finally made it. “We’ll soon be parting ways. I want to carry something of you along with me. I want to keep this link.”

Another moment was needed for the words to sink in and process. Kurapika exhaled an _‘oh,’_ and didn’t know he was holding his breath. His eyes burned, feeling the overwhelming tears threaten to spill. For one thing, he was relieved. For another, guilt clawed at him for doubting Kuroro.

The Spider leader’s motive was peculiar, though this time round, Kurapika thought he understood.

Kuroro just accepted…all of him.

It took everything in him not to let his tears form. In a meager attempt to hide his face had it been expressive, he shook his hand free of Kuroro just to wrap his arms around the man, placing his chin on the man’s shoulder. Kuroro’s surprised sharp intake of breath was beginning to explain to him why Kuroro himself found his reactions amusing in their past times of learning about one another.

“Are you aware you’re making it much harder for me tonight?” Kuroro spoke between a short, broken laugh. He returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around him.

“Feeling’s mutual,” he murmured into Kuroro’s neck. When he realized he too, sounded broken, he attempted the delayed banter. “That was my intention.”

XXXXXXXXXX

Kuroro couldn’t appreciate the moment more and on the contrary, not appreciating it. He was happy and unhappy…the feelings that must have annoyed the hell out of him had he been the man before this bond with Kurapika.

The boy had made it known and clear he returned his feelings and here they were, on their way to the airport for their approaching departures on opposite directions.

It was almost like Kurapika’s murder attempt all over again.

For a man regretting so little in life, he was starting to regret something so trivial as booking that damn ticket to the closest location available to Ryuuseigai. The heck of it all was the airship leaving this place was scheduled once in a while. He could change his mind, but he knew Kurapika wouldn’t have it. The boy himself was going back to his colleagues at Nostrad’s anyways.

Kuroro himself was going back to Ryuuseigai for a lot of reasons. Family obligation as Kurapika had put it, most likely. To seek an ability to put an end to Hisoka’s outlandish stalking him, yes. Most of all, it’d be something to draw Kurapika closer to him. As Kurapika found him catering to him alone unacceptable, Kuroro catering to a bigger scale of people appeared commendable to Kurapika.

In a way, the boy gave him a purpose in a world where he saw none. And to keep Kurapika, he had to let him go...for now.

He stole a sideways glance to his right. Kurapika rested his head against the window, looking at the world outside. The colorful road lights ran across his features. A split second later, he returned the look at Kuroro.

“Shouldn’t you be looking at the road?”

Kuroro answered with an acknowledged hum then he reached his right hand out across the divide between their seats with an open palm. Kurapika looked at it and looked at him. His baffled expression reminded him of the cat hesitating to eat the food he offered, wanting it and fearing the unknown.

“Shouldn’t you keep your hands on the wheel?”

He chuckled. “I’ll manage, trust me.”

From the corner of his eyes, the boy looked skeptic. He knew it was either for a show, or an old habit dying off hard.Kurapika should have known driving with one hand was nothing to him. So Kuroro did what he did best with Kurapika. He waited in silent patience, leaving the open palmabove the console.

After some miles or so, he felt the hesitant movement before a hand slid into his open palm. Kurapika hid his face from him again, keeping his interest to the street lights.

The more the time they had left together was coming to an end, the more self-realization he had. To him, feeling for a person was much more difficult to put in perspective than any physical materials he had wanted to own.

He wanted him. Wanted all of Kurapika, or what the boy was willing to offer, whatever they were.  On that thought, the uncalled ache settled in. Kurapika was very much his own person, not a material, not a property. He could never own him…like he wanted.

On the contrary, it was more likely that Kurapika was the one owning him…owning his heart, had the boy subdued him with this…feeling.

“Hey. Are you okay?”

The boy’s voice drew him out of his thoughts. He flicked him a look, with a ‘hmm?’ The boy looked at him with a trace of concern, his posture inclining towards Kuroro. His mind administered Kurapika’s words and behavior.

“Do I…look not okay to you?”

It wasn’t cynical, they both knew it. The boy frowned, unable to answer the question. He inclined back slightly in his seat, making no attempt to hide he was trying to figure things out. The rest of the way went by with Kurapika looking at Kuroro.

By the time they reached the airport, it was 11pm. The service man from where Kuroro had rented the car was already waiting for him, given Kuroro wanted to drive to the airport. Then they had an hour before their departure, much less the time they could spend together, since they needed to board their designated terminals.

“Feels like York Shin all over again.” Kuroro trailed off as he stopped walking among the oceans of people while on their way at the gatehouse. When Kurapika turned and raised an eyebrow at him, Kuroro admitted. “Adhering to your rule, no contact with my Spiders.”

“Ah, so you _did_ feel after all,” Kurapika commented with a self-satisfied smirk. “Back then, you seem so unaffected with lots of things.”

“Only on the surface,” he confessed.

Kurapika looked surprised then not. The boy looked off sideways with a soft smile. Kuroro wondered what that expression meant. Lately, there were things about this Kuruta that he couldn’t always read like before…unlike the time where he was a mere bundle of nerves.

“York Shin all over again in the sense we’re parting ways?” He posed, interested.

In silent agreement, they’d moved to the closest corner, avoiding the walk way and people. Kuroro liked to think they shared the same intention of stalling. He’d take what he could to the last minute…last second.

“In the sense that I’m losing contact with you and our next meeting is anybody’s guess,” he corrected. When Kurapika gave him an agitated look, he asked, “Will you pick up the phone if I make a call?” Another agitation was all it was needed for his answer. “Figures. You don’t even pick up your friends’ call.” He might have sounded bitter, but he knew best not to dwell. “You’re going to keep my number and Shal’s, yes? Make a call anytime if you need any of us.” Kurapika’s acknowledging nod told him he wouldn’t be getting any call.

That was just how Kurapika was, he needed to accept that too.

“You grew a heart inside of me, the least you could do is take responsibility.”

…

It came out of nowhere. Kuroro wasn’t even aware he was pondering that aloud. All thanks to Kurapika for making him lose his cool at times. When self-realization (from Kurapika’s incredulous look paired with an ‘excuse me?’) hit, he felt his heart did a flop it never did since he almost died by Zoldyk’s hands…or Kurapika’s, for that matter.

The boy’s eyes fixed on him, studying and analyzing more than ever. Kuroro waited. At Kurapika’s intellect, he must have understood the meaning behind those words.

Red crept up on Kurapika’s face, so did his eyes. So he understood. Took a while before he opened his mouth but no words came out. He fidgeted, struggling to say something. Under all the strong front, hard shell and a certain amount of antagonism (left), Kurapika was kind. Of course, he’d try to give some verbal response.

Kuroro didn’t need one, for this. Back in the church, he’d already got more than what he could ask for. He ran his hand through the blond hair, gave a light pat and mumbled, “So ‘kay.”

The boy nodded, his expression in slight disbelief. Then he looked up at him to question, “Is this what it’s all about? Is this why you don’t look so…okay back there?”

The concern Kurapika projected for him sent a funny feeling and a tug at his heart. He exhaled through a forced smile. “Generally, I’m not okay with us going separate ways. Like I said, having you out of my sight concerns me. Specifically, I fear this is as far as we could go, or more like…as far as you’d allow.”

The look on Kurapika’s face had Kuroro assumed if he’d said something ridiculous. Next thing he knew Kurapika’s palm was on his cheek.

“You might be right. But then again, not everything is set in stone, right?” And Kurapika smiled. That exact kind of smile Kuroro only seen he reserved for his friends. The one Kuroro wished to see it directed at him most.

He felt hopeful but in the face of concern. Though Kurapika lived to tell the tale after attempting to seek justice on the Genei Ryodan, Kurapika managed to keep his head cool in Kuroro’s presence, he would surpass most obstacles in the world. But still, reclaiming the rest of the Kuruta eyes would put Kurapika’s life in prominent danger. There were worse kind of people, other than the mere dirty rich Kurapika managed to nail. What if…

“Hey…I learned a lot from you. I’ll be fine. You take care of yourself too…” He looked conflicted but everytime it was getting less and less. Then he added, “-from Hisoka, I mean.”

That reminded Kuroro of what Kurapika said back then. He shouldn’t be saying this but he sought any form of reassurance that they’d meet again. “Because you’re the one who’ll kill me?”

Kurapika choked on a short laugh. “I’d like to think so.”

“I’d like you to do so,” he replied, taking Kurapika’s free hand in his.

Their conversation at this point lacked hostility. It could be a joke…or not, Kuroro couldn’t care less, as long as Kurapika carried him in his mind.

“We…really need to move, or we’ll miss the flight,” Kurapika reminded him, tilting his head towards the large clock on the far off wall, reading close to midnight.

How Kuroro wanted that…

“Kuroro?” Kurapika lifted his hand up whereas Kuroro’s hand followed, clinging on to him.

“Ah, right.” He loosened his fingers around Kurapika’s hand, hating the feeling. Before any of this, he had no idea how a sudden loss of physical contact could sink his heart.

“Later then,” Kurapika gave his final smile. And just like that, he headed towards the gate to his terminal. Most likely knowing he needed to initiate the leaving because Kuroro wasn’t going to move until he did. He stared after the boy. Kurapika did look back, only to gesture indicating the time and flight for him.

_‘Go.’_

Kuroro nodded in response. What had felt like positive anticipation the moment Kurapika looked back, was crushed. Until the boy was completely out of sight, he exhaled the longest sigh and walked himself to his terminal, boarded the airship. Things went by in a blur until he was sitting in his private compartment, staring off into the night sky through the window.

The sense of loss was overwhelming, he was aware of that but for the first time in five years he welcomed the undesirable feeling he thought was manageable, gone even. Kurapika was a living proof he was still human after all. On the positive light, what entailed after loss was the semblance of hope.

“Until we meet again, Kurapika,” he murmured a belated farewell.

Their paths had crossed and re-crossed. Be it fate, coincidence, happenstance or planning, it was bound to happen again.

 

The END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t remember for the life of me, what ending I had in mind 6 years ago. And I had nothing in my note. But after reading a bit on BW arc, it only led me to this ending.
> 
> On Ryuuseigai’s principle. I first read that part with Thai translation: “We’re no enemy to anyone…” so TSASAN is based on that. It’s only later I found Eng. Ver translated differently: “We reject no one…” Maybe Japanese version can mean both? And rejection can be a form of being enemy too. It's only recently that I wonder if Kurapika ever wonder what the message left to his clan’s massacre means. 
> 
> I used to think Kuroro who’s in the wrong must work 100% to earn Kurapika’s trust, forgiveness or whatever is needed for them to be a ship. Then after years and years of working myself to be okay with ones I despised, I realized IRL, one person working 100% ain’t gonna work. Two sides must work together. If Kurapika keeps antagonizing Kuroro, no matter what rights he has, Kuroro’s gonna be fed up someday. 
> 
> Anyhow, IT’S DONE!!! When I started TSASAN, I had no idea it was going to turn into a friggin’s trilogy, lol. and over 13 years to complete (first posting on ff.net). BUT! I mentioned of drabbles back there, so yeah, I still have more drabbles to write, relating to this story, and most likely about what entailed when they meet again. 
> 
> SP THANKS to Togashi for the world of HxH  
> SP THANKS to ALL Beta-readers who’ve helped me with this story and its prequels. And Hanareader for keeping me super inspired and motivated.  
> Last but not least, thanks to all readers and reviewers. I wouldn’t have been here if it weren’t because of you fellas.


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